I am getting old ... or perhaps?!!

I spent Tuesday helping Will, Debbie and Katie move to Denmark Hill. I went with Will in the big 7.5 Tonne van (surely it's illegal to drive one of those without a proper license, but Will did a good job (will need to apologise to a bus driver in Liverpool about his mirror, but Will was just getting used to the size of the thing then). Debbie followed in her car with Katie.

During the drive we decided that there is one phrase I cannot use, that is "I remember going wrong at this junction.....". I used this twice during the trip and Will did precisely the same thing. The first time was at Oxford services "I remember going the wrong way of this junction and having to go all the way to Bicester to turn around". That cost us 20miles. The other one was "Be careful going over the Vauxhall Bridge, I always get the wrong exit towards the Oval there" That one only cost us a few minutes but just as annoying in a large van.

We spent the evening carrying Wills belongings up to the 2nd floor flat. 5 flights of stairs and 40 stairs. It wasn't long before I was out of breath and I didn't believe how tired I felt. I must be getting old.

The answer was next morning I came down with a heavy cold. This must have accounted for my tiredness whilst carrying Will and Debbies stuff.

Thats possibly, isn't it Doctor Will??????!!!!!!!!

Heroes

I have added Heroes as one of my favourite TV shows. I must admit that I have not really got into some of the recent American imports (24, Lost etc) so this is a first for me. My brother Peter says they are all the same and they will string you along with unresolved plot lines between series and never really deliver.

So, we'll see........

Differences between France and UK

We got back from France last week and I have been considering the differences between the two countries.

1. France has longer and straighter roads. Because France is bigger and so therefore the roads need to be longer reach all the towns. They are straighter because France is bigger and so everything is more spread out, so you don't need to drive around things (for instance London and the M25).
2. French motorways only have two lanes generally. This means that French drivers generally will drive two inches from your rear bumber at 80mph and flash their lights if they want to get past.
3. All French people wear really nice clothes, but I couldn't find where they bought them. All shops in French towns sell tat, bread or chocolates. The conclusion is that French people buy all their clothes from secret shops, so foreigners can't buy them.
4. French yobos clear up after themselves.

I will post some more when I remember them.

Why I dislike IKEA

Before I post about my holiday in France I feel I need to post about my mild dislike of IKEA. Whilst I recognise the effect that IKEA has had on the chintz in peoples homes in this country it is possible to idly dislike the store for the following reasons.

1. Inside the store is too hot

2. There are two types of trolleys. One type has a bar across the front which you push and it can go in any direction but sometimes bangs your feet. The other type has handles either side, can go in any direction, can badly damage ankles and can go in any direction.

3. You are expected to express an opinion on something that you have no knowledge of at all. I was asked to pick out some curtain poles. But they all seemed to be able to do the job quite adequately. (I can't comment on them aesthetically, I suppose one or two would not have been out of place in Frankensteins castle and I recognised another couple from the original series of Star Trek)

4. I don't like the fact that when you leave the store (with three trolleys full of stuff which you cannot do without, even though you only went in to buy light bulbs (that you can't by anywhere else)), you feel the need to buy a piece of plastic called "BOVT" which cost 49p, specially designed to catch candle wax from getting onto your dining room table or for storing aforementioned light bulbs.

5. I noticed that they had a chair on test which they had a mechanical bum sitting on it for up to now 150,000 times. It doesn't seem to be the original chair that was installed when the store was built. What happened to it? Did it break? I wanted to see that happen.

6. We spent some considerable time looking for hooks for kitchen towels, we found some hooks for bathroom towels and other kitchen equipment but not for kitchen towels.

7. A good thing now is you can take your purchased goods over the car park to the car without having to jockey for position near the entrance. The cement bollards would not allow you to take the trolleys away from the store. It must have taken IKEA ages to work out that trolley thieves (and there must be many) will not steal trolleys which are designed to maim (see point 2)

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday (rit) dear blog (pause)
(a tempo) Happy Birthday to you

Come on you blues

The football season starts tomorrow, and European action for Everton.

I have started a fantasy football league, if anybody wants to join, drop me an email or give me a ring and I shall give you the web site details. The more the merrier.

Come on you blues!!

London

Well I got to London after completing the important things on my list (see below).
List of things I did in London.

Wednesday

• Met Heather and Matthew of the train
• Went on tube to Mel and Hamish's house in Camberwell

We don't have the tube in Liverpool/Ormskirk we have trains. The difference seems to be the temperature (it's so hot in the tube), it's only crowded in the rush our in Liverpool, in London when you blow your nose, it comes out black!

Thursday

• Went to London Museum, because Matthew wanted to see about the Great Fire of London. In the end he got most concerned about the Black Death. (I think the Liverpool museum would be about fighting and litter (only joking, I live here)
• Went to the Science Museum, saw the rockets, cars and old computers (which I worked on when I was at college (PDP 8))
• Met Heather from work near Bush House
• Went to get coffee from IHQ (but it was closed, it has only ever been closed when I have been there)
• Had coffee outside Tate across the river
• Went into the Tate Gallery. Saw poo in a can. (Apparently there is some discussion if the "artist" has put his poo in the can, I suspect if it where me I would just put a new label on a tin of tuna. Far less messy and art just the same. I mean who is going to check!?)
• Went back to Mel's and had an Indian takeaway.

Friday

• Had a lazy morning (Finished reading Harry Potter, (Ron dies, (no he doesn't)))
• Went to meet Helen (sister in law) and the girls in Greenwich Park (great view of central London (forgot camera)
• Had a lovely afternoon. Matthew, Lauren and Fleur did play grounds and went on the pedalos.
• Went to Helen and Howards and had tea
• Matthew stayed for sleep over
• Drove back to Camberwell (getting lost on the way, obviously)

Saturday

• Packed for trip home
• Went to get Matthew, Lauren and Fleur from Bromley.
• Drove to Reading
• Met Mum and Dad
• Saw Alistair (Andy, Brad and Steph) at TMS final festival (They where all fab)
• Drove home
• Arrived home at 1:50
• Went to bed

Out walking

I've been out with Matthew in London today. We walked for miles. I passed this sign on the road
We walked for miles to get to the exhibition..... Must have walked right passed it.

Ho Ho!

List of things to do before I go to London...

I have a list of jobs to do before I go to London to meet my wife and children on Wednesday after work.

1. Clean the kitchen floor
2. Phone Alistair about paper round
3. Do the dishwasher a few times (remember to use as few dishes myself to cut down on dishwashing (and be kind to the environment, obviously))
4. Tidy the living room
5. Tidy the bedroom
6. Pack my bags to go to London
7. Remember to take Heathers make up bag
8. Go to work on the train
9. Phone about a new car
10. Socialise with my mum and dad (probably around tea time)
11. Watch "Casino Royale" on DVD
12. Watch "Hot Fuss" on DVD
13. Sync up and charge my iPod
14. Go and watch Everton verses Werder Bremen at Goodison

Now I have done some of these things on the list. I leave it up to you to guess which ones I have done.

People care about Chocolate

I took a lot of grief about my choice of chocolate bars for my last poll. People asked why it was Neslte and Mars no Cadburys. So I have chosen the best Gerry Anderson show for the next one.

The Clangers

I've been watching some retrospective television programmes on BBC Four recently about some sixties and seventies cult hits. Oliver Postgates The Clangers and Bagpus where featured. I can appreciate The Clangers, but Bagpuss never did it for me. I found the busybody mice annoying.

There was a look at "Blakes 7" which I remember watching as it was the same time that Stars Wars was released on the cinema.

Second time around, I was amazed at the shaky sets and the slow paced script compared to todays amazing computer generated graphics and committee written scripts.

(Warning Sally Army content coming up)

Recently, I have had the opportunity to think about our church (corps) 10, 20 years ago. Have we moved on? Do the sets wobble?

I know, as a section leader, I am always thinking about the style of worship (perhaps too much). We don't do tambourines anymore. When we sing an old style "Army" chorus I am left thinking "What was all that about?".

What are we? Seventies or sixties or eighties with Bill and Ben, Blakes 7, Renta Ghost, Wonder woman, Adam Ant, Dallas

Or more upto date with the 90s Tellytubbies, This Life, Reeves and Mortimer.

New Polls

We have a feature to create Polls now. I have tried a Poll, to see which is the best chocolate. Lets have a go.

Ford Fiesta (RIP)

Yesterday our N reg (at least 12 years old) Ford Fiesta passed away on the way home from Heathers work. It's down at the garage but they have spoken to Heather and there is nothing that can be done for it. It's done 107,000 miles, it's had at least two break ins. A couple of bumps and dents (we don't notice or count them anymore).

Its engine has finally ceased. I'm looking at the train and bike now for work.

We are all a bit sad :(

(I think Alistair will be sadder when he finds out, I think he was counting on learning to drive in it)

I will try and find a picture to post here.

Bankrupt tooth fairy

Matthew (aged 7) went to hospital yesterday to have some teeth taken out (something to do with his bad parents giving him too much to eat, probably). In the end he had nine taken out. I was more nervous than anybody else, I didn't like the fact he was given a general anaesthetic. I'm sure my mate Will would tell me not to be so stupid and it happens every day. But as I am now "all counselled up", I need to recognise that my feelings are just as valid as his dismissals.

Or am I misrepresenting you, Will. Go on give me some statistics.

Two Drifters

(Warning Sally Army content)

We have a large community programme at our Corps. The premises is used by adult learning services as an outreach centre for the local community. We are always trying new ways to get involve. Tomorrow (Thursday) we are holding a end of term celebration for people who have passed their courses. (Heather is getting her certificate for Counselling).

As a corps we are providing musical entertainment. Mary (sister in law, not mum) has set up a small singing group, and we have been practising hard for our "Big Night". As well as Army favourites (Moment by Moment, O Happy Day, This Little Light) we are singing some music written by (Major) Burt Bacharach, "What the World Needs Now" (Once you start singing it you will be singing it for days). (Colonel) Henry Mancini "Moon River".

The group consists of Glyn (piano, with comedy bandage on finger of left hand), Alistair (drums), Mary, Jenny, Lynsey, Heather, Jeanette, Neil, Peter and Me. The problem we have is we can't get through "Moon River" without giggling like kids. It is something to do with the line "Two Drifters" and the fact that Peter held Neils hand when they first started to sing it.

We have resorted to singing this song with our heads stuck in the books. We know if we look at anybody else it will end in tears.

Anyway it will be a great night.

Watching in a super market

(Warning Sally Army content)

I have spent an hour and a half collecting for Red Shield at my local Morrisons on Friday evening. I spent my time watching the people who shop.

One lady approached the internal shopping gates so slowly that they failed to open. She waited until somebody more mobile passed her into the shop.

Another Grandma used the shop motorised wheel chair. As she passed me I noticed it had a "flappy" control like the one used in Formula 1. The similarity didn't end there, she went through the shop with the same abandonment as Lewis Hamilton at Silverstone (always taking the racing line, regardless of ankles and toes).

Several people chose the entrance to the shop to pause and look at their lottery ticket. They usually stopped in the most congested part of the shop, causing a queue of people behind them. But nobody ever asked them to move on, they usually just "tutted" loudly and waited impatiently for them to move on.

It did make me consider my "technique" for box collecting. Should I:

Always look into the mid distance so trying to make it easier for people to walk past me if they don't want to give.
or
"Eyeball" them as they put their change in their purse when they are at the tills.

Thank everybody profusely. Especially people who give less than 20p.
or
Save the thanks for the people who give more than 20p.

Make sure I give people plenty of room to walk past me.
or
Get in their way so they have to say excuse me or give me money to get out to their cars.

Concentrate on people leaving the store thus ignoring people entering the store.
or
Ignore everybody in the store.

Hope I get a low amount of money so they don't ask me again.
or
Realise I have no control over how much I collect and they will always ask me as my mum and dad are running the appeal.

Listen to my iPod.
or
Smile at everyone leaving the store whilst whistling Army tunes.

Be cynical about the store advertising when you are there long enough to read the small print.
or
Thank the store and security guard for allowing you to collect in their store.

Try and keep a count of the money going into the tin. Then give up after £3.25
or
Accept defeat before starting.

I know where you live!!!

I have installed a new feature to my web site that gives me all sorts of data about the types of visits to my website. Google Analytics.

It tells me how you arrive at my blog (mainly from Heathers). How long you stay here. How many people are new to the blog (well you all are at the moment, because it has just started to collect data)

And where you live!!!!

Well what continent you live on. So come on America, Africa, Asia, Australasia. Europe is beating you hands down.

A walk in Worthing

(Warning Sally Army content follows)

We had the visit this weekend of Cardiff Canton Songsters (Choir). They did a concert on Saturday night and led worship at our church on Sunday. At the same time Worthing Band visited Southport Corps down the road.

A couple of years ago I was invited to go with Blackpool band to Worthing, to help them out for the weekend. Before the Saturday night concert myself and a couple of the lads went for a walk on Worthing promenade. One of the Blackpool lads said to me "What's that funny smell". I must admit I didn't recognise it (but it was unusual).

"That's the smell of donkeys" he said. And he was right, on the beach was a couple of donkeys giving rides to kids.

Now that's a specific, unusual skill, to recognise the smell of donkey mess. And can only be possessed by someone who lives in Blackpool. (not Southport, they don't have common donkeys in Southport its a bit posher there)

I don't know what smell I would have recognised, a lad from Liverpool, but it definitely wasn't donkeys.

Local Radio

I had reason to come home early today. On the way home I tuned into local BBC Radio Merseyside and I caught a few minutes of the Billy Butler show. He was interviewing a French Beatles tribute band. Just two guys where in the studio as they where promoting their full band coming over in September.

Bearing in mind this is a Beatles tribute band, Billy asked them how many there are in the full band. There was a slight embarrassed pause and they replied that there was four of them (I believe they are "fab").

I'm as square as they come, and even I know there where four Beatles. I might even hazard a stab at the original Beatles names. I might apply for a job at local radio, surely I could do better.

Giving something back

I've been looking at other peoples blogs and thinking that my blog does not say an awful lot about me. So I have decided to take a picture of all the tanning studios that I pass on the way home from work. Please note that when I saw a tanning studio shop I just pointed the camera in the vague direction and pressed the button.
I do have some personal favourites.
The first shop has the g missing from the Tanning. Tannin is the material they used make hides go leathery.
Please note the surprised/disapproving look from the guy in front of Tropical Sun.
I have noticed since posting these pictures that most of the shops seem to be closed or closing. I would like to think that seeing that it is amongst the hotest days of the year and the sun is cracking the flags that they have all shut up for the day, but it's gone five and it's closing time.

My cricket whites

Murray asked if I could play cricket last night. I couldn't because it's practise night. But he borrowed my cricket pants/trousers. But he wouldn't wear my white inserts (i might add here that they are freshly laundered). So he played with his tartan boxers underneath. I missed the sight but Heather said there was no mistaking they were tartan underneath.

I don't know why this is funny, Perhaps it reminded me of Michael Vaughan yesterday, losing his trousers while fielding.

Inappropriateness

I seem to deal a lot in inappropriateness these days. Whether it is language or behaviour (both learners and Salvationists, you all know what I mean (wink, wink)).

I have referred learners to counsellors who have been given the task of writing down their inappropriate behaviour and language, on a piece of paper during the week for review later. One particular learner was asked to asked to write down not only what he said, but what he refrained from saying. (I think so that at a later date the refrained comments would be bigger than the expressed comments)

He was given a paper to write this one which he quickly replaced with a notebook. This he then proceeded to pass round anybody who was interested. So we all could get offended not only by what he said to us but what he didn't say to us. I think someone missed the point here.

On the way to church/Army on Sunday morning we pass a large field which from May to September hosts a large car boot sale. We can't actually see the stall/car boots because there is a hedge all the way around the field. A couple of years ago someone installed a large bouncy "castle" near edge of the field which was in the shape of a sinking ship (presumably the Titanic, a Bouncy Titanic). Is it too soon? Is it OK to have screaming kids sliding down the deck of a sinking ship.

I think the experience should be made more like the actual event by having freezing water at the bottom of the ride with attendants throwing deck chairs down after the children. Perhaps a string quartet at the top playing "Nearer My God To Thee".

I went Ape ..

I have started a counselling course as part of my job. One of the things the tutor has encouraged us to do is to record how we feel in different circumstances.


Gemma arranged a outdoor activity in Delamere Forest on Saturday called Go Ape. Here is a link to their web site. It is a high wire activity set amongst the forest trees. I have recorded some of my feelings below.


Indignation. At being asked to "Go Ape..." I'm not prone to profanity, or loss of selfcontrol but then it was pointed out that the title of the event is much more literal than I had imagined.


Self conscious. When we put on our harnesses, Wes pointed out to all the boys that it did a good job of "lifting and separating". Thanks Wes


Stupidity. When I attached the carrabenas to the wrong cable in the wrong order and was the only person to do this. Every time.

Indecisive. Should I do the easy or the hard elements.

Macho. I obviously should do the hard elements.

Regret. At choosing the hard elements. As the "Stirrups" nearly where incredibly difficult. I had visions of Cheshire Fire Service being called to save this "fat bloke" from up in the trees. The Stirrups on the Go Ape Web site are listed as the most technical, there not it just seems impossible.

Terrified. There are rope bridges and like those seen on Shrek and Raiders of the Lost Ark (I think, or is it The Temple of Doom?). But unlike those, there is not a molten volcano or alligators underneath them. This does not make them any less scary. Just better entertainment for those watching.

Even more stupidity. At not learning at previous experience of Indecisive, Macho, regret as yet again I chose the hard option for the big Tarzan swing. somebody asked me if I was doing the the Tarzan shout/yodel when doing this element. But I was too busy praying.

Relief. When I was helped back up to the trees when I couldn't climb a rope net.

Exhilaration. When I came down all the zip lines.

Great day out can't wait to go again.

The construction race

I have previously posted about the race between the workmen building a new retail park round the corner from our house and the men replacing our kitchen.

Time for an update.

Well the new retail park is going up in direct proportion to the profits at the local chippy. We usually get home and decide that we can't have chips again, shall we go to McDonalds again?

But recently the work going into the kitchen has showed some sign that it may well be finished some time. Heather went out to th'Army last night on the agreement that I would try and put the shelves together in the completed kitchen cabinets. Easy, one might think. But thoughfully, Heathers dad came round for advice on how to make his mobile phone louder, so that took an hour or two. And it would be impolite not to make him a drink.

Eventually I got round to the job, I found a missing cupboard door in the garage. Then I decided to address the corner cupboard shelving. A mistake. After scraping most of the skin off my arm and banging my nose on the shelve when pulling it out. I decided the job was for a professional so I left it for the workmen to round to it. I don't do hardware, only software.

As for the race well the work on the retail park seems to have stalled recently. Perhaps they thought they had the "game in the bag" and decided to go for a sleep ala "tortoise and the hare". My boys at home are on the final leg.

It's my mums birthday today ..

... so I thought I could give you a list of the things I didn't buy but considered:

• Playstation 3 (too expensive)
• Inkjet printer refill (again too expensive, did you know that InkJet ink is the second most valuable liquid on the planet. In first place is snake venom. They didn't have any snake venom in Asda either, but it would have been too expensive anyway).
• Big Night Out CD featuring Mika/Girls Aloud/Take That/Scissor Sisters/Just Jack (I don't think she likes Scissor Sisters)
• King Size Duvet Set (I don't know the size of their bed)
• NAVMAN F20 Satellite Navigation kit (Dad drives her everywhere)
• New kettle (possibility)
• BBQ set (they haven't got a garden now)
• Plastic Dog (Dad doesn't like dogs)
• Tennis racket (possibility)
• Pair of jeans (Never seen mum in jeans, they might suit. She would need a proper make, not George)

Isn't Asda a marvellous shop, full of possibilities.

Eddie Bongo

On the way home from our church (SA), I pass a pub/sports bar. Now this is in quite a "rough" part of Liverpool, but the proprietors are obviously trying to raise the standards by putting two notices in the windows. The first notice is, "No under 25's and sports wear on Friday and Saturday night". This is an attempt to dissuade the track suit wearing teenages from trying to gain access to the bar.

The second notice is much more effective in my view. It advertises a regular guest artist for Friday and Saturdays. "Eddie Bongo, original member of Kid Creole and the Coconuts". Being aged 45 now I really can't remember Eddie but I am pretty sure that his music will not be the taste of the regular "Liverpool Scally".

Major building projects

There are two major building projects that have started in Ormskirk this week. There is new commercial and industrial units being built half a mile from our house. I believe there will be some sort of diy store and some new offices There is also a new kitchen being built in our house. I am not, of course, a betting man, but my money will go on B&Q finishing first.
So far we are eating cereal, climbing over an obstacle course to get to the upstairs bathroom and cleaning the dishes in the shower in our bedroom.

Compatability

Hey! I have found another thing that indicates that I am compatable with Heather (my wife), (apart from being married for 21 years.).

She likes the top of hot cross buns and I like the bottom (of hot cross buns, obviously).

The High Ropes

The department I work in incorporates outdoor education. The outdoor ed lecturers are generally of a certain kind. They are all men, they all wear fleeces with no brand name, they all rarely shave, they all swear a lot and they all are called Barry.

The outdoor ed people run the high ropes course. The high ropes are a set of telegraph poles with ropes strung between where teams of people are encouraged to climb up, walk across and jump off while attached to a rope with an outdoor ed lecturer at the other end in case people fall off (which they do frequently). The job of holding the ropes at ground level requires a reasonable strong and heavy lecturer the whole time a person is on the ropes. (I lifted a Barry a couple of feet of the ground when I jumped from the top pole)

A few of us where in the canteen the other day (we seem to spend a lot of time there), talking about various session that we had done. Barry told us that he had recently taken a psychology group on the ropes the previous day. He said a student had climbed to the top of a pole and was having a problem jumping off, the psychology lecturer asked the student how he felt. Barry said he was still holding the rope 45 minutes later while the student explained how she felt. I don't know why I thought this was so funny. I think is was that I knew that Barry holding the rope during this conversation was just saying to himself "Just $£$%%E jump!", but didn't to say anything.

Could eat no lean

Jack Spratt had convenient relationship with his wife in regards to eating meat. Apparently he couldn't eat any fat and his wife was unable to eat "lean". I think this relationship is convenient as the rhyme says they are "unable" to eat fat or lean.

In our house the relationship is slightly more stressed as Heather criticises my sweeping up skills, (when I can be bothered to give it a go) but she is unable to actually put the piles of dust, breakfast cereal and small assorted pieces of plastic in the bin. This leaves me to come into the dining room and see the offending collection of mess in a neat pile on the floor, find the dustpan and put it in the bin (I don't swear often, but I am tempted to stray at this time). Or not see the pile and kick it across the floor again.

We have discussed this situation with each other and decided that we should carry on being married, even though the relationship does not seem to be as easy as Jack's and his missus. But there again, perhaps Jack does all the cleaning in his house, he is obviously the fitter of the two.

I think I may have started something here???!!!

Roots 07

Roots is nearly upon us and the traditional March/April panic is well under way. If anyone fancies working for Roots as a steward (its a great job, you get to meet loads of people you wouldn't ordinarily talk to) let me know.

(Sorry for the advert)

An Inconvenient Truth

At last I have the DVD. If anybody wants to watch it. Let me know, and I will lend it to you.

This weekend was "sick weekend"

And it wasn't even me who was sick.

Friday night I went straight to the gym and beat Murray at squash. Hurrah! Got home and stayed in with Matthew because he was still unwell from last week. Heather went to Southport to see her dad and mum.

Saturday morning stayed in Kitchen man comes to size up the job to replace our new. We started to take the tiles off the kitchen walls. What a horrible job, and it leaves a horrible mess. But we have at last a date for the new kitchen to be built. 2 weeks time. Hurrah!

Saturday afternoon Heather goes to see her mum and dad, I stay in with crying, sick Matthew. Get Heather back quickly because he wants his mum. Stay in Saturday night consider taking Matthew to drop in centre but it is closed.

Sunday morning I stay in and look after Matthew while Heather goes to Th'Army for Sunday meeting and worship workshop. She gets back at late in the afternoon and I am getting a bit "stir crazy" (I watched a black and white war movie on Film4!?), so I go and do her job and visit her mum and dad in Southport. It was a pleasant drive and it meant Jim could go for a walk on Lord Street.

Got home and made "comfort food" for supper, scrambled eggs, sausages, bacon and bread and butter pudding.

We are back ...

... Hurray. Virginmedia have finally got their act together. With a collective sigh of relieve the Elliott family rejoin the Internet community. Has how it been since we have been away? Have you missed us? Is there anybody there? Hello?!

I went shopping with Will and well ..

I've got a new iPod Video (It is a very cool thing). We went to the Apple shop in London and looked at all the shiny things. We thought of buying everything in the shop, fortunately Debbie was there and common sense prevailed.

Will tried to drop me in it before I could tell Heather, by sending her a picture of me and the iPod before I could ring her; but my telephone call just beat his picture text to her phone.

As I don't have broadband at home at the moment (hmmmmm!!!), I downloaded some games and a video, to test it out whilst I was at my brother-in-laws house.

Which reminds me, when we got to Hamishs house; Heather and I both dived for the computers to look at our emails and read blogs which we have not been able to do for a few weeks. Possibly ignoring relatives living there that we both hadn't seen for a few months.

Do we have a problem?

It's freezing today..

and I have to go outside and work.

Its seems my contribution to stopping global warming is kicking.

• I have one person committed to seeing An Inconvenient Truth
• Will has given me some low energy light bulbs that I need to install (It's the thought that counts)
• I occasionally remember to turn off the telly when going to bed
• We don't light up Ormskirk with our upstairs lights when we go out
• We go to bed early now (this is probably because the internet is down in our house though)

Oh no! The internet is down.

Lured by the cheaper price and bigger bandwidth offered by Virginmedia, we have migrated our broadband. But before BT could do the business, NTL have cut us off. All sorts of things are happening:

• Al has been outside the house and had his hair cut. (probably thought he could get wireless access at the hairdressers.)
• Heather is coming to bed before 1:00am.
• Dr Bill will be able to beat me up in Torncity soon.
• Matthew can't play on the CBBC site.
• I can't watch a film on telly with imdb.com looking for the mistakes. (doesn't everyone do that?)
• We won't be able to use it a bible fellowship tonight when we ask Biblegateway to read the passage from Daniel to us.

I have pleaded with Virginmedia several times now, but they don't seem to understand how important it is. Apparently somebody at BT will decide to get round to it as soon as their tea break finishes.

Disappointing the B & Q boys

Our new kitchen arrived this week I took Thursday off work because Heather was away in York for a couple of days. Alistair and I had a happy hour matching the parts delivered to the delivery note.

We had some of the delivery a couple of weeks ago on a Saturday morning and Heather answered the door in her pyjamas. Heather asked me to check and sign the note on this occasion because the delivery bloke was obviously having difficulty keeping his mind (or eyes) on his work.

I did expect a posse of delivery men on Thursday, but only two arrived to move the new kitchen into the newly cleared out garage (four trips to the tip!!).

(couldn't think of an image for this post?!)

The Great Global Warming Swindle

I watched a programme on Channel 4 called the Great Global Warming Swindle. I felt a bit uncomfortable watching it, I must admit. You can see links from this blog to Al Gores "An Inconvenient Truth". I have been trying to think why the programme made me feel uncomfortable and I am not entirely sure.

What was the purpose of the programme? Was it to encourage us to keep on using the resources that are available to us? Is it OK now to keep my telly on overnight? Does it want us to not be careful about the world we live in? It's a fact that we in the "west" can afford to use less. So even if the science argued by AIT is in doubt, what is wrong with encouraging less consumption (big cars, turning off tellys, using different light bulbs)

My mate Ray ....

... has been done for speeding. I don't know why this is funny.

Perhaps its because:

• He is the Corps Sergeant Major and they shouldn't do bad things (it's going in the corps newsletter)
• Nobody at the corps (church) or his family are going to let him forget it (especially Simmo, he's a bobby)
• He is showing off that his Skoda goes that fast

Excuses

I must admit I hear loads of excuses during the day from learners, why they haven't been there, why they haven't done that. But last week someone told me they weren't in college because they had been to the hospital and they had been told that they where missing two Vertebrae in their back.

Now I have checked this with my doctor mate this morning. And we reckon:

• We should be able to carry him around in a bucket.
• Or a scientific specimen jar for closer examination
• He should be in the circus
• Or perhaps he telling me fibs.

Moan and Laugh

I know what North West Gas contractors got for Christmas. Portable Traffic lights. It seems they have been given them and they are determined to use them. There is small road works on the out of Ormskirk and they are using their new toys. It must put 10 minutes on my journey to work in the morning. (Grumpy old man)

Digital television is marvelous. Don't let anybody tell you that they are struggling to fill the schedules. There was a triumph on the Discovery Channel last night. The channel is scrambled on our telly but I would definetly watch "Sex Change Operations Uncut".

Normally, I hide behind the sofa when any real blood and guts is on telly. Heather has to tell me when its safe to look. Doing a Sex Change Operation without cutting, sounds like a great idea. In our house it was suggested that the scalpel must be replaced by size 10 boots.

If I was the director I would be tempted to add comic sound effects as well.

Valentines day

Yesterday I bought Heather a Valentines day card. I knew she was not home late so I chose one from the shop yesterday. When I gave Heather the card she noticed hit had a picture of a elephant on the front.

"So you think I look like a cute elephant?"

I said "I don't think your cute", it came out before I could think about it.

"Any way how do you know its from me?". You know you have lost when you resort to this line.

I thought I had done really well going into town to buy a card and spending seconds choosing it.

Today..

.. is my 45 birthday, had a good day.
Sadly, Heather is on the way back from London so I will not see her until tonight.
Got up late.
Had breakfast.
Realised I left phone at Army Hall last night.
Realised I needed to tidy house before Heather comes home.
Spoke to Heather on the phone. Apparently, Matthew has been sick in London so Heather hasn't had much sleep.
Opened Birthday cards. Didn't get any Valentine cards :(. Never mind
Went to town, bought stuff. Got hair cut. Had to wait ages - half term, loads of kids.
Went to gym. Didn't have too long so went for swim.
Had lunch at Gym
Thought about what to spend my birthday money on.
Went to PCWorld
Met Gemma at Hall for CAP work. Picked up phone.
Did CAP work with Gemma.
Drove back to Ormskirk. Picked up Matthews new glasses. Had cup of coffee in Ormskirk.
Thought avout what to spend my birthday money on.
Went to Currys
Went home
Almost passed out - Alistair has tidied up, house looks OK.
Watched a bit of football on telly
Alistair makes fab tea with birthday cake and everything (apart from singing, he refused)
Watched a bit of what is probably the worst telly programme of all time "Relic Hunter".
Will & Deb not going to Corps Council (I will have to be stroppy for them too:) )
I am now going to Army for Corps Council.
See Heather later.

New picture of Sarah

Here is a new picture of Sarah. This was taken last Friday at our house. She is sitting on Lynseys knee (I think).

A little bit older than my teeth

When I asked my Grandma how old she was, she would always say the same thing. I not sure what the first bit was, but it went something like "I'm as old as my hair and a little bit older than my teeth". Well I know that Grandma is over 100 now and she still has her hair, I don't think she has had her own teeth for some time now, and I lost a valuable tooth yesterday at the dentist.

I am eating noodles and pasta for the time being. When the dentist was taking it out it felt like my eyes where coming out as well. But she gave me the tooth in a small envelope with the tooth fairy on and it looks relatively small. Especially considering the pain and inconvenience it has caused over the last few months (It broke on Christmas Day).

I'm in mourning for the tooth, we have been through a lot together, it is well known to Geoff (my old dentist and friend), who has spent many hours xraying, root filling, poking and prodding it. Now it in a tooth fairy envelope and redundant.

I'm 45 in two weeks ("never" I hear you say) and I hoping that no other bits of me get left behind.

Popular Cultural Reference #2 - ITV Play

I heard today on the radio that ITV Play have been "told off" by Oftel, because there questions are too obscure. Apparently, the top answer to the question "What is found in a womans handbag?" is rawl plugs. Another on the list is a balaclava.



I wouldn't be surprised to see rawl plugs in Heathers handbag, but I would be surprised to see a balaclava. Although, if you have a look and see the type of thing she was wearing when she was small ....



... and balaclavas are very practical. They keep your head AND your ears warm (and are handy in a jewelry theft).

We've hit the big time now lads

The star of such classics as Judge Dredd, Tango and Cash, Stop or My Mom Will Shoot, Cliff Hanger, The Specialist, Demolition Man etc is fan of Everton Soccer Club.

(Oh, and Escape to Victory)

I'm so proud.

Fashion absolution

Having been born in 1962. Had my teenage years mainly in the 70s, I feel qualified to offer the following service:

Do you want to confess your worst fashion sin. Of course this may have been in simpler times but you need to confess now, you know you want to.

Post them here and I will deal with your problems.

Beware there may be penance to be paid.

Popular Cultural References #1 - Jade Goodie

During the current series of Celebrity Big Brother, I have come to realise, its not her fault, I now feel sorry for her....

....Now I see her mother.

Christmas Carolling

Warning: The following post contains Sally Army references which may confuse.

I did add up the number of Christmas Carols played in December but I am not sure if it is accurate. I think it is around 400 to 500. I know most of the carols now so my mind tends to wander whilst I am playing them. Here are some of the games I play.

1. Looking out for celebrity shoppers. This is very difficult in Liverpool, especially as I don't or have never watched any of the local soaps (Hollyoaks - Chester, The one in South Liverpool that has finished now, can't remember what it was called). So even if one of the actors came over and started to conduct the band, I wouldn't have a clue who it was. And some of the more well known Liverpool celebrities wouldn't now be seen dead in Liverpool in December (certainly not in Asda or Tescos), Cilla Black, Jimmy Tarbuck etc. Now I have seen Ken Dodd but not whilst Carolling, he was buying a SCART cable from Richer Sounds and I also saw him buying a book in Waterstones. I have although seen Alexei Sayle in Sainsburys Woolton with his mum. And various Everton and Liverpool footballers.

2. When carolling in a supermarket, I watch people leaving the store and try and guess what car they have. I always get this wrong.

3. When carolling in Liverpool City Centre there is amusement to be had watching illegal traders evading the police.

4. Picking carols at the bottom of the page to make our bass players grumpy.

5. Dodging shopping trolleys driven by older people. I got hit twice in 10 minutes on one Saturday morning.

6. Looking out for bargains in Sainsburys on the last Saturday before Christmas. Last year Simon and I bought sprouts for 10p. In fact I think I owe Simon 10p because I didn't have any money in my coat pocket.

A couple of Christmasses ago we where asked to call into the local radio station to play on the Billy Butler show on Saturday morning. We all trooped into the studio and played Away in a Manger and Silent Night. Billy was so taken by this, he decided to include the band in his quiz for the day. So Billy said to the band on air, "I know let's give these fellas an 'orse".

I looked at Ray (who was at the time PR officer at DHQ) quizically. What's a norse. Then the penny dropped he wanted us to select a horse in a race for him to back. He was showing us a list. Ray started to splutter "Ah, well you see we can't ....", but I chipped in with "Let's have that one" and Billy said "OK". So our band backed a horse on "live" local radio.

I think Ray was thinking of the questions from the DC on Monday morning on the way to carolling. The rest of the band where laughing too much, of course non of us where employed by the Army.

The horse came in second, but we didn't see any winnings.

Of course gambling is a bad thing and I regret .......

An Inconvenient Truth

We have been using a DVD at work called an Inconvenient Truth. It is a presentation by Al Gore (ex American Vice President) about global warming. We have based a number of sessions around the issues raised. I would recommend watching, (there is a fair bit of American sugar and slop) but it has a good message (and a bit scary). Al Gore comes across as a good man (he was almost the president instead of George W. Bush!)

There is also the web site well worth a visit.

Turn of those water taps, televisions and lights!!!

A Christmas picture

Here is a picture of our Christmas Cake.

I think Joseph is saying to Mary "I hope that knife is for the turkey"

Highlights of my Christmas day

Playing my last Carol (Unto us a child is born). I reckon that I have played about 400 carols this December.



Matthew, Grandad, Nana and a Whoopy Cushion



Dozing off while the Queens speech is on, and Heather reminding my that the settee I was sitting on reclined.



Beating somebody at Internet Checkers



Christmas lunch at my mum and dads, I had a roast potato shaped like a bottom (see below).

Ouststanding!

Matthew school Christmas play

I have been to Matthews Christmas play at school. I must admit, this is the first one I have been to of both my boys school plays. But I was seriously impressed. In this play Matthew had a major part, we new he had a talking part, but we didn't know he had two solos to sing.

Matthew is on the left.

The climax of the play is when the little boy (Matthew) is asked to give his present to the baby Jesus, which turns out to be a kiss. Matthew, at this point, stood behind the manger bolt upright and put his head into the manger as if he was bobbing for apples on Bon Fire Night.

Of course, everyone burst out laughing. (That's my boy)

Sarah and Mary are home

Just been round to see Mary, Peter, Rosie and Sarah at home. Sarah seems quite pleased with the new place to live. In fact, she spent the whole time asleep.

There was a house full of people and both sets of grand parents where in attendance when the four of use turned up. Sarah remained unimpressed.

Despite everybody having a cuddle Sarah remained asleep. Getting ready for a busy night ahead, no doubt.

New pictures of Sarah

Well I have been to the hospital this afternoon to see Mary and Sarah but my cameras battery died when I was there. But I have managed to take two pictures and here they are.

My favourite scene from our Christmas play

For pictures of Pete, Mary and Rosies baby see below:

The wise men enter from the back of the hall chasing the star (Rosie) around the hall. They are wearing curtains and cardboard crowns. They sing a Wise man song (obviously in a minor key). Just before they reach the stable and manger, they catch up with the star (Rosie) and she manages to knock off the first Wisemans crown and poke him in the eye with the star.

They meet the Inn Keeper who invites them to see the baby Jesus (Katie) in song. The Wisemen accept the invitation and move onto the stage or stable, behind the star.

Wisemen 2 (Dave M): I bring you Gold! [delivered like Charlton Heston bringing the ten commandments down from the mountain]

Mary (Rachel): Thank you very much [as if thanking someone for passing the sugar]

Wiseman 2 (Dave S): I bring you Frankinsense! [delivered with awe and reverence]

Mary (Rachel): Thank you very much [delivered yesterday when I was at Asda and I had interrupted the girl at the till with my money when she was having a conversation with her colleague]

Wiseman 3 (Steve): I bring you Myrrh! [delivered with awe and reverence]

Mary (Rachel) Thank you very much [I don't know what I am going to use Myrrh for?]

Great day, hundreds of people there, play was fabulous, everybody did a great job. (By the way I exaggerate above, but Rosie did knock off the wise mans hat and poke him in the eye)

Welcome to our world

Here is my new niece called "Baby", for the time being.

Arrived today at 2:40pm

Christmas house decorations

I plan to take photos of "tastefully" christmas decorated houses and post them on this blog for comment. If anybody sees any local ones that should be published let me know and I will try and get them on.

Christmas plays

Thanks Will for the idea.
We are practising for our Christmas play which is to be performed on Sunday at our Civic Carol Concert. I must point out that we do not have all the following elements in our production, but we have a few.
Christmas plays must have some of the following elements:
1. an orchestra that play too loud (from the singers percpective)
2. singers that don't sing loud enough (from the orchestra percpective)
3. a little boy or girl who will steal the show
4. adults who don't know their words, or will make them up on the "night"
5. custumes made from curtains or table cloths
6. it will end in tears (usually the director)
7. microphones that don't work
8. or actors that don't hold the microphone near enough to their mouth for it to work
9. the performance will have some long pauses while something is supposed to happen
10. like child birth, we will forget all the heartache and pain and in a few months be thinking about the one for next year
11. a small one at the front of the stage staring at the audience
12. all the small girls want to be angels
13. all the small boys want to be shepherds, not Joseph because you need to hold Marys hand
14. one of the children waves to their parents, thus shattering the illusion that they are in a stable in Palestine 2000 years ago. (harsh I know, but true)

Christmas starts here

The start of Christmas carolling. Two bands, (SA Bands) one in Kirkby and one in Ormskirk. Its always a worry that people know where to go and when to be there. But its seems everything worked out OK. Only three more Saturdays and three more Thursdays to go.

We got home and we remembered we had booked Matthew into a party in the Gym at 2 o'clock. So I dashed out with my stuff and went to the Gym.

I got home between 4 and 5 and fell straight to sleep.

Gym Music 2

A summary of the rules so far:
Rule 1. Gym music must be loud enough to drown the music piped into the gym.
Rule 2. Gym music mustn't make me want to engage too much, singing along or anything else is not advised.
Rule 3. Gym music must motivate me to run.
Rule 4. Gym music needs to keep me interested for at least 45 mins.
Rule 5. Gym music must be interesting enough to stop me watching: The Price is Right with Joe Pescuali (Fortunately there is no sound so I don't have to listen); The New Paul O'Grady Show (He is from Birkenhead); I'm A Celebrity I'm So Desperate To Be Here Show.

New music
Breakout (Electrolyte)
Excellent in every way. Good loud tracks (when I worked out how to turn off the setting to protect my eardrums on my iPod). Picked me up at the half hour mark whe I started to flag. Change in styles all the way through kept me interested right to the end. And kept me smiling when I was running.

OK computer (Radiohead)
Not bad. As each track started to play it kept me interested in what was going on but eventually I forgot I was listening as each track was a bit monotonous and a bit the same. Also a bit sad, reminded me a bit of being a teenager, I think.

Blue Light Red Light (Harry Connick Jnr)
I like this album anyway and have had it for a while. Obviously the first track woke me up. But I think I am too familiar with this music to keep me interested for the duration. But I haven't heard the last tracks for a while and I had forgotten that they where really sad so probably not good for the gym.

Next Faures Requiem and any other suggestions (Might try Dans suggestions, nothing in 3/4, thanks John)

Gym music 1

I haven't posted for a while and I started this post a couple of weeks ago. So sorry its late.

I have been trialing some music for while I am at the Gym. I need to create some rules for gym music. So I'll start here and give some feedback on music used so far.
Rule 1. Gym music must be loud enough to drawn the music piped into the gym.
Rule 2. Gym music mustn't make me want to engage too much, singing along or anything else is not advised.
Rule 3. Gym music must motivate me to run.
Rule 4. Gym music needs to keep me interested for at least 45 mins.
The Best of Divine Comedy
Meets all the criteria above. Although I occasionally find myself singing along (Rule 2). Gets off to a good start with National Express, it has a good tempo for the cycle warm up. It has enough different styles to keep interest going. I recommend this track on your iPod.
Mozart Requiem
Surprisingly, meets all the above criteria, this is probably the best music to use. It has a slow, quiet start, that is OK, but quickly moves onto good loud stuff. Keeps me interested all the way through. In all a good use of time to make yourself fit and listen to some staggeringly good music. I can't sing along.

I have some more to follow. I may revise my rules. Any suggestions for trials would be gratefully recieved.

Busy few days

Saturday.
Went out in the morning to buy the firworks for the firework party at the Army on Sunday night. In Liverpool there are a few shops that have opened to sell just fireworks and there are signs for fireworks being sold from pub car parks. I decided to follow the safe option and went to Asda.
I bought two big fireworks and 24 rockets. I discussed an idea with guys at the hall to raise money, somebody wanted to do a baloon race, but we decided against it on gambling and environmental grounds. Our idea was in a similiar vein, the rockets we bought where quite big and we thought we could tie a Junior Solder to a series of rockets and set them off. The one who went furthest would win.
Went to the gym and did some running etc.
Went to Rays house to watch the second half of Fulham verses Everton. We lost 1-0. Enough said.
Heather spent the rest of the day planning morning meeting at Army.
Alistair went to see Divine Comedy in Liverpool. I did fancy going, but I suspect I would have been the oldest bloke there so Alistair went with his friend.
Sunday.
Good Sunday services, Heather did the morning meeting, really good, full hall. Went down to the hall for the evening meeting, it was a firework party. A short worship session followed by food in the community hall then fireworks in the car park. We didn't know how many people would turn up but loads a new people came. There must have been 20 or 30 people who had not been in the church before so we had a great time. Neil, Dave, Will, Simon and myself did the firework display, nobody got hurt or blown up so it was a great success.
Monday
Really long day at work, I was teaching all day, quite dry subjects so it was a challenge to keep everybody interested. I finished off the teaching day giving two lads verbal warnings. I went home really tired.
I had just enough time to make Alistair and Matthew their tea and then go back to the Army for the Corps and CAP prayer meeting. Not too many people there, but it was really good. I forgot that Heather had asked me to finish the night, but it worked out really well.
Got out to the car and some rough lads had put in our drivers side window, Lyns and Will helped clear up the mess but the drive home was really cold.
Tuesday
Heather off early to London. I got Matthew ready for school and dropped him off on the way to work . Cold journey with the window missing. Another day teaching all day, health and safety at work. Another long day, missed my dinner (my own fault). Torwards the end of the day at work I started to feel unwell, left for home and felt cold and sick.
It is band practise tonight but I fell asleep in bed and didn't go. Pete did band practise hope it went well.
Wednesday
Morning phoned in sick stayed in bed and wrote this.

Eastham Woods

Today I have been on a walk in Eastham woods, this is just behind our college. In the 19th Century Eastham woods was called the Richmond of the Mersey and a Pleasure Gardens was built. The site is now almost completely overgrown and there is little left of the gardens. You can still see some of the more permanent features in the undergrowth, there is a large fountain and a bear pit where they used to have animal fights. There was also a zoo in their somewhere, I'll look out for it next time I go for a walk. I'll post a picture of the bear pit, I'll try and take my camera to work tomorrow.

Guilty pleasures?!

I have been reflecting on Sunday nights meeting/service. It was imaginative and thought provoking. (For those not Sallys its probably worth stopping here, as it gets a bit irrelevent). At our corps the Sunday meetings are being "done" by different people at the moment. So Geoff did Sunday night.

We meeting was based around a journey over Morecambe Bay Geoff did a couple of weeks ago. We got a good idea of what happened as Geoff had taken some great pictures.

I have been thinking about the music and songs that we used. They all followed the theme of a journey. We have not sung some of them for an long time. We had "We'll Sing in the Morning the Songs of Salvation". Some very old song called "Over the Sea", even some of the more mature Salvationists did not know this one. Fortunately my 100 year old Grandma did, so we where treated to a solo (She needs no encouragement).

We used the band arrangement for "We'll Sing in the Morning" and it certainly rattles along(good old N.B. for good arrangement). I was left wandering what we where singing about,

We'll sing in the morning the songs of Salvation
We'll sing in the noon time the songs of his love
And when we arrive at the end of our journey
We'll sing the songs of Zion in the courts above

We will be doing a lot of singing if the song is correct. Its an awful lot about what we will be doing not lot about what God is, or what he can do. Will we sing in the courts above, because we sing in the morning and at mid day? (Sophistry). I suppose it's OK once in a while though

The other one was "Travel Along In The Sunshine", which I don't understand at all.

Travel along in the sunshine
On the Kings highway
Travel along, singing a song
Follow Jesus day by day,
Never mind what lies before you
Never mind what others do
Just travel along in the sunshine
On the Kings highway

It has synchopation which makes it more modern than the other one, I suppose. Imust have sung this countless times and not really thought about what I was singing.

If we filled our services with this kind of worship every week, I'm not sure too many new people would understand what it being sung, or how it relates to them.

Are they best locked up in the song book cupboard or is it good to bring them out onto the digital projector and display them to the world/congregation once in a while? I am not sure.

Comments?

Celebrity lookalike I don't know any of my celebrities

Gym etiquette

1. When in the gym always walk around purposefully. Look like you know what you are doing even if you don't. Anyone who looks lost in a gym is a "newby".
2. Never use the free weights. They are for serious very advanced users or stupid people.
3. Never use the weights on the first few days, always make sure you know how they work.
4. If you feel like an advanced user and you are using the weight equipment, always check the weights before getting onto the machine. At my first gym I was shown a particularly complicated machine at my induction. You had to stand inside the machine, unlock the bar and squat with the weights on your shoulders. I of course didn't check the weights on the machine, unlock the bar, went into a quick squat and found I couldn't stand up. I had to ask for help, quietly at first because I didn't want anybody to hear but more loudly as I bacome more desparate. I left the gym that day with the laughter of two muscle bound men still in my ears (I didn't both with the sauna, I was hot enough).
5. Never put your head in front of the water fountain before turning it on. It will always end up in your eye.
6. If you go for a swim make sure you have your swimming hat on the right way. In our gym the swimming caps (yes, you have to wear one) have a band going from the back to the front. "Newby's" always wear them with the band going from ear to ear. It looks more stupid and they seem to be swimming slower.
7. Don't play "He's fatter than me" in the Hydrotherapy pool.
8. If you brush against another bloke in the pool, always reply "excuse me" in a very manly voice.
9. Don't stare and point (or laugh).
10. Check your shorts before getting out of the hydrotherapy pool. Those water jets are very powerful and the water is very warm, you might not notice....
11. When you are in the Sauna, try not to enter into conversation with somebody. (See me for bad example, I can't publish it here.)
12. When you are getting changed, make sure your underwear is ready. It's not good to walk around the changing room "in the snip" (as Windy Millers uncle Guber).

For those that do trut round the changing room ... it's not clever.

Treadmills

In going to the gym I have been giving thought to the treadmill.

Medievel times saw the treadmill operative as work, powering pumps, grinding corn etc.

In the Victorian age the treadmill was used as punishment, men where put on the treadmill to do work with no outcome at all, I don't think they even produced anything.

Now, we pay to use a treadmill, we even pay for someone to show us how to use them. The treadmill today does not produce energy, it uses energy as it needs to be plugged into something, so someone, somewhere is creating energy to make this one work.

My treadmill will tell me how many calories I am expending per hour, how many calories I have spent so far, how far I haven't run so far. I wish it would tell me something useful, like calories measured in terms of fractions of a Mars bars (or other popular confection).

Whilst using my treadmill I have tried to use the time even more productivily (other than losing weight) by listening to Rob Bell sermons (downloaded by my lovely wife, and uploaded to my iPod). But I find myself losing concentration and reading the sub titles to Neighbours on the telly screens in front of the treadmills (I must be really shallow).

I bet they didn't have tellys on the Medievel or Victorian treadmills.(or Neighbours)

Getting slimmer already

We have just joined a Gym. I have been for my induction yesterday and I am keen enough now to go again tonight. Some of my friends have said that I look slimmer already, but I think they are pulling my leg. But I am prepared to ignore the sarcasm.

More of an investment than gambling

I got back to work on Monday to find I had won a raffle, I hadn't entered. My friend put my name into the draw, it was free. So I won a new red football (second prize, first prize was a Coca Cola mountain bike). My friends at work obviously know the Sally Army stance on this, but it was ok because "we didn't pay for the ticket".
Earlier today our learners (I work in a college) did some fund raising for McMillan Cancer. So of course the course tutor has to buy a ticket. I did my best to avoid buying a ticket, because I feel really awkward in these situations.
Well my friend bought one for me, and again I won. This time I won some "tasteful" men smelly stuff.
I'm off to do the National Lottery, if I can get someone else to pay!

Its Grim up t'North

Apparently, on average, people living in the South of England live two years longer than in the North.

Sadly people in the South spend these two years on the M25.

Car crash telly

I am on holiday this week. I got up in time to take Matthew to school and I was getting ready to go into Liverpool to do see my brother-in-law at work. I rarely see day time telly, but I turned it on as a accompaniment to doing the dishwasher. I was watching a programme called "The Jeremy Kyle Show" - with my mouth open. It was all very confusing, but they were not actors and they needed bodyguards on set to keep them apart, and they spoke in "beeps".

This is obviously not intellectual telly, the adverts came on and most of the adverts where for finance companies. The one that attracted my attention was an advert which interviewed suspiciously coherent people about how they couldn't get any sort of loans. They all stood in the rain whilst talking to the camera, but the public behind them did not seem to be bothered by the same rain (funny that).

There was a lot of talk about consolidating loans and securing your loan (which seems to be a good thing, but actually means they can take your house if you can't pay)

At our Army (Salvation Army/Church) we have just started a CAP programme. (see link for more details). The wonderful Gemma is our representative and she visits many people in debt. From my point of view it seems that the banks and financial institutions need to take a more responsible attitude to what they are doing to people lives.

A blog about blogging

I managed to put a visitor counter on this blog (see below). I think bloggers all need encouragement.



It looks like I am advertising some sort of diet web site, can't I do chocolate, don't I get a choice. Chocolate or some sort of fatty substance would be so much more appropiate.

Here is a picture of my biscuits to compensate.

Guidance for Annual Appeal 4

Our team all sat down the other day and discussed our experience of Annual Appeal. War stories if you like, below are some of the highlights. These all happened this year.

My Dad knocked on a door and was made to make the dog sit before they would give him some money. For those who know my dad, this is extra funny, in fact I would have paid to watch this.

My Dad was also asked if he was a musician. He replied, rather nervously, that he was, he got an extra pound for playing the cornet.

Heather got chased from a house by a bat. (She got all unecessary).

Ray knocked on a house where a little girl opened the front door. Ray asked if her mummy or daddy where in and she said "yes". She went to a door at the end of the hallway and opened the door to reveal her dad in the bath.

Ray also helped a woman who was having a hypo-glycaemic attack (I would like to thank my doctor friend for the spelling here). Ray himself is diabetic and new exactly what to do. Sadly, it was the woman having the attack and the bloke in the bath.

I have a great job ...

As part of the programme I run, I went with a group of students up Moel Famau. Great view from the top but it was extremely windy.

On the way down looking at the fantastic view my colleague said "We get paid to do this!!

http://www.denbighshire.gov.uk/LL/LifeLong.nsf/13f6c51bd2f1ca8a80256a8f003de1b9/8902d2d6bbcd907d80256c77004506d3!OpenDocument

I'm off collecting tonight, if my legs stop shaking.

Guidance for Annual Appeal 3

Thanks John for the suggestion of looking at the rebuffs. I have come across some misunderstandings mainly:

Firstly there was the typical misunderstanding. "Sorry, I thought you had come to read the meter". Funny thing here is that I did was not wearing my uniform, just chinos and army polo shirt. Perhaps she was waiting for the gas or electicity man.

Secondly there was the unusual misunderstanding. "No I won't contribute, I support a lot of charities. You can't join the lot can you?". I didn't ask him to join the band or sing of the songsters just some of his small change. The level of his committment is implicit in the question "Would you like to help the Salvation Army in their annual appeal". Perhaps I should need to make sure the question is more explicit. "Would you like to help the Salvation Army in their annual appeal by putting your lose change in this money box." Perhaps I could add "Although we do have an opening on B flat Bass if you fancy a blow."

Thirdly there was the lady who said "Oh! can I give it a miss today, thanks". It appears that she thinks the Salvation Army will be knocking at her door every day until she gives in and donates some money. Sadly I won't be able to do this as tomorrow I am out in another area - doing door to door collecting.

Guidance for Annual Appeal 2

Last night whilst out collecting I have been challenged with the following questions:

What words do I use to ask strangers for money?
If I did not give this any thought the following words would come out of my mouth, "Umm, money, erhhh, put in box, No? OK Bye"

So, I have settled on the following "Would you like to help the Salvation Army in their Annual Appeal?", smile and wait for the answer. The thought here is that its a closed question which prompts the answer yes or no, so either way I am away quickly from the door or someone can start a conversation if they want.

The problem is that as the evening goes on, "Would you like to help the Salvation Army in their Annual Appeal?" becomes more and more indistinct, especially when it becomes cold (it was worse in February).

The other big question raised in door to door collection is how long do you wait outside a door after you have knocked and rung the bell. Especially when you know the occupants have seen you approach the house and are ignoring you. Well I have been giving this some thought.

The obvious approach is to sing on the doorstep (out loud or in your head). You could get through a couple of verses of:

• Guide me O thou great Jehovah


• Shine Jesus Shine


• or When the music fades

Depending on your age etc.

Although this has its draw backs. I have found myself surprised by someone answering the door (why that should be, especially as it has been me who has rung the bell and knocked on the door, is strange) and am not ready with "Would you like to help the Salvation Army in their Annual Appeal" and it comes out as "Oh! would you like to help the Pilgrim through this barren land, No! Sorry, Doh!".

Play a game on your mobile phone (No, not a good idea)

So I recommend the follow approach, Don't go near music, too dangerous:

1. Approach the door


2. Knock and ring the bell as already discussed


3. Notice how the door could do with a lick of paint


4. Oh! I really don't like simulated wood effect double glazing


5. Where is the spider in that cobweb


6. Is Arteta best placed on the right or left of that diamond formation or is his best position in the centre of the pitch where he bosses the game, but they do get good results with that formaiton and Andy (sorry Andrew) Johnson does well on his own especially support by Cahill coming late into the box. We have spent a lot of money for Beattie and he does try really hard......


7. Oh my goodness how long have I been here, where is Gill is she back at home eating my chocolate biscuits.


8. Time to go to the next house.

I assure you the time goes so much quicker this way.

Guidance for Annual Appeal 1

I have changed the title of this blog to Annual Appeal since I found out that I am stupid.

September is always a busy month as us Sallys find ourselves raising money for the "Annual Salvation Army Appeal". If you are not a Sally then this will not make any sense, but if you are, here is some guidance.

Do and Do nots

Always

1. Smile and say "Thank you very much, Good night" even if you do not get any money.


2. Wonder why so many families are called "Friedland"


3. Knock on the door and ring the bell.


4. Always ignore stickers on the door that say "We don't buy anything from salesmen"


5. Be careful when knocking on glass doors (mind you, I have not broken one yet)


6. Try and beat the Littlewoods Pools or the milk man when he is on the same "round".


7. When collecting with a partner on the same side of the road, try and make sure that they get to the house with a) the person cleaning the car b) the gang of lads smoking at the front door c) the house with the Fiesta rather than the BMW or Mercedes.


8. If collecting in a uniform always smile politely when mistaken for a policeman.


9. If they drop their money, always let them pick it up.


10. Address the man of the house as "Sir", if he is wearing a shirt and tie.

Do not

1. Leave the gate open or kick the milk bottles if your request for money is denied.


2. Leave the house by one garden gate go to the next garden gate and end up back at the same house (did that yesterday).


3. Get stuck miles from the car when it starts to throw it down with rain (did that on Tuesday).


4. Run away from the house cheering or doing "high fives" when you get given twenty quid.


5. Get caught picking you nose when the house holder answers the door.


6. Fall into garden pond.


7. Try to keep a count of how much you have so far.


8. Walk across a prize lawn.


9. Scale a garden wall to get to the next house


10. Don't say "Cheers!" when you leave.

The best house

1. Christian literature in the hallway.


2. Doors answered by older people.

The worst house

1. Knock on the door, a light comes on, nobody comes to the door


2. The householder watches you come up the drive whilst they are watching television and refuses to open the door.


3. Houses with dogs (no matter the size).


4. When the children answer the door.


5. When you have to do those intercom things at the gate before you get to the front door.


6. No lights on at all in the house.


7. The house when the man answers the door with no trousers on (happened yesterday).


8. When the occupier says they can't give because they are eating their dinner. Usually we have come straight from work and missed dinner.

Worst response

1. Sorry the is nobody in


2. Sorry my wife is out


3. My Dad said there is nobody in


4. Do the Salvation Army save fallen women? Save one for me (Always laugh politely)


5. If someone asks you to sing a song for a donation, make sure you know the amount before starting to "Shall We Gather" (Gill)

Games to play

1. Guess the age of the house holder, based on the type of car, type of house, number of small toys lying around the garden.


2. Chasing your partner collector down the street when he does not wait long enough for people to answer the doors.


3. Don't walk in the cracks in the pavement.


4. Create a blog entry whilst collecting.


5. Wonder how much time some people must have by the extraordinary tidiness of their garden.


6. Admire double glazing.


7. Watch bits of Eastenders, The Bill, Emmerdale as you go round.


8. Guess what people are having for dinner.


9. Guess what the appeal is going to be called next year (Self Denial, Red Sheild, Annual Appeal)

I plan on creating an exhaustive list above if you have any additions please let me know and I will update.

Your results:
You are Superman

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You are mild-mannered, good, strong and you love to help others.

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