Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Gym etiquette

  1. When in the gym always walk around purposefully. Look like you know what you are doing even if you don't. Anyone who looks lost in a gym is a "newby".
  2. Never use the free weights. They are for serious very advanced users or stupid people.
  3. Never use the weights on the first few days, always make sure you know how they work.
  4. If you feel like an advanced user and you are using the weight equipment, always check the weights before getting onto the machine. At my first gym I was shown a particularly complicated machine at my induction. You had to stand inside the machine, unlock the bar and squat with the weights on your shoulders. I of course didn't check the weights on the machine, unlock the bar, went into a quick squat and found I couldn't stand up. I had to ask for help, quietly at first because I didn't want anybody to hear but more loudly as I bacome more desparate. I left the gym that day with the laughter of two muscle bound men still in my ears (I didn't both with the sauna, I was hot enough).
  5. Never put your head in front of the water fountain before turning it on. It will always end up in your eye.
  6. If you go for a swim make sure you have your swimming hat on the right way. In our gym the swimming caps (yes, you have to wear one) have a band going from the back to the front. "Newby's" always wear them with the band going from ear to ear. It looks more stupid and they seem to be swimming slower.
  7. Don't play "He's fatter than me" in the Hydrotherapy pool.
  8. If you brush against another bloke in the pool, always reply "excuse me" in a very manly voice.
  9. Don't stare and point (or laugh).
  10. Check your shorts before getting out of the hydrotherapy pool. Those water jets are very powerful and the water is very warm, you might not notice....
  11. When you are in the Sauna, try not to enter into conversation with somebody. (See me for bad example, I can't publish it here.)
  12. When you are getting changed, make sure your underwear is ready. It's not good to walk around the changing room "in the snip" (as Windy Millers uncle Guber).

For those that do trut round the changing room ... it's not clever.


Dan Elson said...

I have all manner of nasty images in my mind now Kev! Eeew!

Bad luck on the weights though. That's a proper daft one.

Debbie said...

Can't wait to hear your sauna conversation :)

Is it up to the same standard as 'following the man that walks quickly'?

Kevin said...

There is a punch line to this story unlike the man who walks quickly. (he just walks quickly)

Dan Elson said...

The punchline was that you're a flipping stalker!!!!!

Heather's place said...

I have spoken to my girl freinds and we agree that point 10 doesn't say what you think it says.

What are you one about?

Kevin said...

I have spoken to my bloke friends and they have no problem about point 10. There is no ambiguity in their minds.

So with this in mind I will make the point clear for my female readers. Point 10 refers to the problems of the water jets moving clothing rather than anything else.

I hope this makes things clearer.