It's that time of year again #1

.. when Salvationist start their annual keep fit campaign around their local houses for Annual Appeal. I did write some hints last year and so I am going to apologise if any of this is repeated, but it is what I was thinking last night as I ploughed down "Long Lane" (as the name implies it is very long).


1. Play "guess the age of the occupant" as you walk up the drive. Young married, retired, married with kids. Based on type of car, size of house, type of furniture, type of door etc.

2. Notice again that Vauxhall can't make red cars.

3. Good signs on approaching the house, Car with fish sign in back window, religous icons in the porch.

4. Not good signs, no car at all at the house, no lights on in the house, boarded up windows, workmen outside the house.

5. Knock on door, youngster answers "Its the Salvation Army ....", "'I'll get my mum" they reply and go upstairs "Noooooo!!". Three minutes later a harried parent appears with in a towel or dressing gown. "Can you help the Salvation Army in their Annual Appeal?" you ask sheepishly.

6. Go to a door, all is black, you knock on the door and ring the bell. Wait. As you are just about to leave, a light goes on inside. You wait. The light goes off. You wait. Then you leave.

7. Walking down the garden you see the family watching Coronation Street inside. Ring the bell and knock on the door. No one answers. They watch you walk away from the house. Resist the temptation to wave.

8. Knock on the door. Usually a bloke answers, "Would you like to help ...." etc. "There's nobody in" is the reply. Smile to "nobody", thank them and leave.

9. You always think of the funny answers when you are walking back down the drive. Knock on door, "Would you like to help the Salvation ...." etc. "How?" is the honest reply. "Put some money in the tin?". "Oh right fine". What I should have said is "or can you play a Trombone".

Happy Birthday Grandma

We went to Grandmas 101st birthday party on Monday. Heather and I had considered what to buy for her but struggled. What do you buy somebody who has everything they need in their flat and perhaps wouldn't remember what it was anyway.

Its only recently Grandma has started to forget things, but she seemed to have such good time on her birthday. All her daughters and son's in law where there, Mary (my mum), Ruth and Alice. She loves sweets and cakes and she had a lot.

We decided to buy her some Lancashire stuff (because she was born in Burnley). We got her Lancashire Tea (like Yorkshire Tea but not as famous), Eccles cakes and Uncle Joes Mint Balls.

I am getting old ... or perhaps?!!

I spent Tuesday helping Will, Debbie and Katie move to Denmark Hill. I went with Will in the big 7.5 Tonne van (surely it's illegal to drive one of those without a proper license, but Will did a good job (will need to apologise to a bus driver in Liverpool about his mirror, but Will was just getting used to the size of the thing then). Debbie followed in her car with Katie.

During the drive we decided that there is one phrase I cannot use, that is "I remember going wrong at this junction.....". I used this twice during the trip and Will did precisely the same thing. The first time was at Oxford services "I remember going the wrong way of this junction and having to go all the way to Bicester to turn around". That cost us 20miles. The other one was "Be careful going over the Vauxhall Bridge, I always get the wrong exit towards the Oval there" That one only cost us a few minutes but just as annoying in a large van.

We spent the evening carrying Wills belongings up to the 2nd floor flat. 5 flights of stairs and 40 stairs. It wasn't long before I was out of breath and I didn't believe how tired I felt. I must be getting old.

The answer was next morning I came down with a heavy cold. This must have accounted for my tiredness whilst carrying Will and Debbies stuff.

Thats possibly, isn't it Doctor Will??????!!!!!!!!

Heroes

I have added Heroes as one of my favourite TV shows. I must admit that I have not really got into some of the recent American imports (24, Lost etc) so this is a first for me. My brother Peter says they are all the same and they will string you along with unresolved plot lines between series and never really deliver.

So, we'll see........

Differences between France and UK

We got back from France last week and I have been considering the differences between the two countries.

1. France has longer and straighter roads. Because France is bigger and so therefore the roads need to be longer reach all the towns. They are straighter because France is bigger and so everything is more spread out, so you don't need to drive around things (for instance London and the M25).
2. French motorways only have two lanes generally. This means that French drivers generally will drive two inches from your rear bumber at 80mph and flash their lights if they want to get past.
3. All French people wear really nice clothes, but I couldn't find where they bought them. All shops in French towns sell tat, bread or chocolates. The conclusion is that French people buy all their clothes from secret shops, so foreigners can't buy them.
4. French yobos clear up after themselves.

I will post some more when I remember them.

Why I dislike IKEA

Before I post about my holiday in France I feel I need to post about my mild dislike of IKEA. Whilst I recognise the effect that IKEA has had on the chintz in peoples homes in this country it is possible to idly dislike the store for the following reasons.

1. Inside the store is too hot

2. There are two types of trolleys. One type has a bar across the front which you push and it can go in any direction but sometimes bangs your feet. The other type has handles either side, can go in any direction, can badly damage ankles and can go in any direction.

3. You are expected to express an opinion on something that you have no knowledge of at all. I was asked to pick out some curtain poles. But they all seemed to be able to do the job quite adequately. (I can't comment on them aesthetically, I suppose one or two would not have been out of place in Frankensteins castle and I recognised another couple from the original series of Star Trek)

4. I don't like the fact that when you leave the store (with three trolleys full of stuff which you cannot do without, even though you only went in to buy light bulbs (that you can't by anywhere else)), you feel the need to buy a piece of plastic called "BOVT" which cost 49p, specially designed to catch candle wax from getting onto your dining room table or for storing aforementioned light bulbs.

5. I noticed that they had a chair on test which they had a mechanical bum sitting on it for up to now 150,000 times. It doesn't seem to be the original chair that was installed when the store was built. What happened to it? Did it break? I wanted to see that happen.

6. We spent some considerable time looking for hooks for kitchen towels, we found some hooks for bathroom towels and other kitchen equipment but not for kitchen towels.

7. A good thing now is you can take your purchased goods over the car park to the car without having to jockey for position near the entrance. The cement bollards would not allow you to take the trolleys away from the store. It must have taken IKEA ages to work out that trolley thieves (and there must be many) will not steal trolleys which are designed to maim (see point 2)

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday (rit) dear blog (pause)
(a tempo) Happy Birthday to you

Come on you blues

The football season starts tomorrow, and European action for Everton.

I have started a fantasy football league, if anybody wants to join, drop me an email or give me a ring and I shall give you the web site details. The more the merrier.

Come on you blues!!

London

Well I got to London after completing the important things on my list (see below).
List of things I did in London.

Wednesday

• Met Heather and Matthew of the train
• Went on tube to Mel and Hamish's house in Camberwell

We don't have the tube in Liverpool/Ormskirk we have trains. The difference seems to be the temperature (it's so hot in the tube), it's only crowded in the rush our in Liverpool, in London when you blow your nose, it comes out black!

Thursday

• Went to London Museum, because Matthew wanted to see about the Great Fire of London. In the end he got most concerned about the Black Death. (I think the Liverpool museum would be about fighting and litter (only joking, I live here)
• Went to the Science Museum, saw the rockets, cars and old computers (which I worked on when I was at college (PDP 8))
• Met Heather from work near Bush House
• Went to get coffee from IHQ (but it was closed, it has only ever been closed when I have been there)
• Had coffee outside Tate across the river
• Went into the Tate Gallery. Saw poo in a can. (Apparently there is some discussion if the "artist" has put his poo in the can, I suspect if it where me I would just put a new label on a tin of tuna. Far less messy and art just the same. I mean who is going to check!?)
• Went back to Mel's and had an Indian takeaway.

Friday

• Had a lazy morning (Finished reading Harry Potter, (Ron dies, (no he doesn't)))
• Went to meet Helen (sister in law) and the girls in Greenwich Park (great view of central London (forgot camera)
• Had a lovely afternoon. Matthew, Lauren and Fleur did play grounds and went on the pedalos.
• Went to Helen and Howards and had tea
• Matthew stayed for sleep over
• Drove back to Camberwell (getting lost on the way, obviously)

Saturday

• Packed for trip home
• Went to get Matthew, Lauren and Fleur from Bromley.
• Drove to Reading
• Met Mum and Dad
• Saw Alistair (Andy, Brad and Steph) at TMS final festival (They where all fab)
• Drove home
• Arrived home at 1:50
• Went to bed

Out walking

I've been out with Matthew in London today. We walked for miles. I passed this sign on the road
We walked for miles to get to the exhibition..... Must have walked right passed it.

Ho Ho!

List of things to do before I go to London...

I have a list of jobs to do before I go to London to meet my wife and children on Wednesday after work.

1. Clean the kitchen floor
2. Phone Alistair about paper round
3. Do the dishwasher a few times (remember to use as few dishes myself to cut down on dishwashing (and be kind to the environment, obviously))
4. Tidy the living room
5. Tidy the bedroom
6. Pack my bags to go to London
7. Remember to take Heathers make up bag
8. Go to work on the train
9. Phone about a new car
10. Socialise with my mum and dad (probably around tea time)
11. Watch "Casino Royale" on DVD
12. Watch "Hot Fuss" on DVD
13. Sync up and charge my iPod
14. Go and watch Everton verses Werder Bremen at Goodison

Now I have done some of these things on the list. I leave it up to you to guess which ones I have done.

People care about Chocolate

I took a lot of grief about my choice of chocolate bars for my last poll. People asked why it was Neslte and Mars no Cadburys. So I have chosen the best Gerry Anderson show for the next one.

The Clangers

I've been watching some retrospective television programmes on BBC Four recently about some sixties and seventies cult hits. Oliver Postgates The Clangers and Bagpus where featured. I can appreciate The Clangers, but Bagpuss never did it for me. I found the busybody mice annoying.

There was a look at "Blakes 7" which I remember watching as it was the same time that Stars Wars was released on the cinema.

Second time around, I was amazed at the shaky sets and the slow paced script compared to todays amazing computer generated graphics and committee written scripts.

(Warning Sally Army content coming up)

Recently, I have had the opportunity to think about our church (corps) 10, 20 years ago. Have we moved on? Do the sets wobble?

I know, as a section leader, I am always thinking about the style of worship (perhaps too much). We don't do tambourines anymore. When we sing an old style "Army" chorus I am left thinking "What was all that about?".

What are we? Seventies or sixties or eighties with Bill and Ben, Blakes 7, Renta Ghost, Wonder woman, Adam Ant, Dallas

Or more upto date with the 90s Tellytubbies, This Life, Reeves and Mortimer.

New Polls

We have a feature to create Polls now. I have tried a Poll, to see which is the best chocolate. Lets have a go.

Ford Fiesta (RIP)

Yesterday our N reg (at least 12 years old) Ford Fiesta passed away on the way home from Heathers work. It's down at the garage but they have spoken to Heather and there is nothing that can be done for it. It's done 107,000 miles, it's had at least two break ins. A couple of bumps and dents (we don't notice or count them anymore).

Its engine has finally ceased. I'm looking at the train and bike now for work.

We are all a bit sad :(

(I think Alistair will be sadder when he finds out, I think he was counting on learning to drive in it)

I will try and find a picture to post here.

Bankrupt tooth fairy

Matthew (aged 7) went to hospital yesterday to have some teeth taken out (something to do with his bad parents giving him too much to eat, probably). In the end he had nine taken out. I was more nervous than anybody else, I didn't like the fact he was given a general anaesthetic. I'm sure my mate Will would tell me not to be so stupid and it happens every day. But as I am now "all counselled up", I need to recognise that my feelings are just as valid as his dismissals.

Or am I misrepresenting you, Will. Go on give me some statistics.

Two Drifters

(Warning Sally Army content)

We have a large community programme at our Corps. The premises is used by adult learning services as an outreach centre for the local community. We are always trying new ways to get involve. Tomorrow (Thursday) we are holding a end of term celebration for people who have passed their courses. (Heather is getting her certificate for Counselling).

As a corps we are providing musical entertainment. Mary (sister in law, not mum) has set up a small singing group, and we have been practising hard for our "Big Night". As well as Army favourites (Moment by Moment, O Happy Day, This Little Light) we are singing some music written by (Major) Burt Bacharach, "What the World Needs Now" (Once you start singing it you will be singing it for days). (Colonel) Henry Mancini "Moon River".

The group consists of Glyn (piano, with comedy bandage on finger of left hand), Alistair (drums), Mary, Jenny, Lynsey, Heather, Jeanette, Neil, Peter and Me. The problem we have is we can't get through "Moon River" without giggling like kids. It is something to do with the line "Two Drifters" and the fact that Peter held Neils hand when they first started to sing it.

We have resorted to singing this song with our heads stuck in the books. We know if we look at anybody else it will end in tears.

Anyway it will be a great night.

Watching in a super market

(Warning Sally Army content)

I have spent an hour and a half collecting for Red Shield at my local Morrisons on Friday evening. I spent my time watching the people who shop.

One lady approached the internal shopping gates so slowly that they failed to open. She waited until somebody more mobile passed her into the shop.

Another Grandma used the shop motorised wheel chair. As she passed me I noticed it had a "flappy" control like the one used in Formula 1. The similarity didn't end there, she went through the shop with the same abandonment as Lewis Hamilton at Silverstone (always taking the racing line, regardless of ankles and toes).

Several people chose the entrance to the shop to pause and look at their lottery ticket. They usually stopped in the most congested part of the shop, causing a queue of people behind them. But nobody ever asked them to move on, they usually just "tutted" loudly and waited impatiently for them to move on.

It did make me consider my "technique" for box collecting. Should I:

Always look into the mid distance so trying to make it easier for people to walk past me if they don't want to give.
or
"Eyeball" them as they put their change in their purse when they are at the tills.

Thank everybody profusely. Especially people who give less than 20p.
or
Save the thanks for the people who give more than 20p.

Make sure I give people plenty of room to walk past me.
or
Get in their way so they have to say excuse me or give me money to get out to their cars.

Concentrate on people leaving the store thus ignoring people entering the store.
or
Ignore everybody in the store.

Hope I get a low amount of money so they don't ask me again.
or
Realise I have no control over how much I collect and they will always ask me as my mum and dad are running the appeal.

Listen to my iPod.
or
Smile at everyone leaving the store whilst whistling Army tunes.

Be cynical about the store advertising when you are there long enough to read the small print.
or
Thank the store and security guard for allowing you to collect in their store.

Try and keep a count of the money going into the tin. Then give up after £3.25
or
Accept defeat before starting.

I know where you live!!!

I have installed a new feature to my web site that gives me all sorts of data about the types of visits to my website. Google Analytics.

It tells me how you arrive at my blog (mainly from Heathers). How long you stay here. How many people are new to the blog (well you all are at the moment, because it has just started to collect data)

And where you live!!!!

Well what continent you live on. So come on America, Africa, Asia, Australasia. Europe is beating you hands down.

A walk in Worthing

(Warning Sally Army content follows)

We had the visit this weekend of Cardiff Canton Songsters (Choir). They did a concert on Saturday night and led worship at our church on Sunday. At the same time Worthing Band visited Southport Corps down the road.

A couple of years ago I was invited to go with Blackpool band to Worthing, to help them out for the weekend. Before the Saturday night concert myself and a couple of the lads went for a walk on Worthing promenade. One of the Blackpool lads said to me "What's that funny smell". I must admit I didn't recognise it (but it was unusual).

"That's the smell of donkeys" he said. And he was right, on the beach was a couple of donkeys giving rides to kids.

Now that's a specific, unusual skill, to recognise the smell of donkey mess. And can only be possessed by someone who lives in Blackpool. (not Southport, they don't have common donkeys in Southport its a bit posher there)

I don't know what smell I would have recognised, a lad from Liverpool, but it definitely wasn't donkeys.