.. when Salvationist start their annual keep fit campaign around their local houses for Annual Appeal. I did write some hints last year and so I am going to apologise if any of this is repeated, but it is what I was thinking last night as I ploughed down "Long Lane" (as the name implies it is very long).
1. Play "guess the age of the occupant" as you walk up the drive. Young married, retired, married with kids. Based on type of car, size of house, type of furniture, type of door etc.
2. Notice again that Vauxhall can't make red cars.
3. Good signs on approaching the house, Car with fish sign in back window, religous icons in the porch.
4. Not good signs, no car at all at the house, no lights on in the house, boarded up windows, workmen outside the house.
5. Knock on door, youngster answers "Its the Salvation Army ....", "'I'll get my mum" they reply and go upstairs "Noooooo!!". Three minutes later a harried parent appears with in a towel or dressing gown. "Can you help the Salvation Army in their Annual Appeal?" you ask sheepishly.
6. Go to a door, all is black, you knock on the door and ring the bell. Wait. As you are just about to leave, a light goes on inside. You wait. The light goes off. You wait. Then you leave.
7. Walking down the garden you see the family watching Coronation Street inside. Ring the bell and knock on the door. No one answers. They watch you walk away from the house. Resist the temptation to wave.
8. Knock on the door. Usually a bloke answers, "Would you like to help ...." etc. "There's nobody in" is the reply. Smile to "nobody", thank them and leave.
9. You always think of the funny answers when you are walking back down the drive. Knock on door, "Would you like to help the Salvation ...." etc. "How?" is the honest reply. "Put some money in the tin?". "Oh right fine". What I should have said is "or can you play a Trombone".