Excuses

I must admit I hear loads of excuses during the day from learners, why they haven't been there, why they haven't done that. But last week someone told me they weren't in college because they had been to the hospital and they had been told that they where missing two Vertebrae in their back.

Now I have checked this with my doctor mate this morning. And we reckon:

• We should be able to carry him around in a bucket.
• Or a scientific specimen jar for closer examination
• He should be in the circus
• Or perhaps he telling me fibs.

Moan and Laugh

I know what North West Gas contractors got for Christmas. Portable Traffic lights. It seems they have been given them and they are determined to use them. There is small road works on the out of Ormskirk and they are using their new toys. It must put 10 minutes on my journey to work in the morning. (Grumpy old man)

Digital television is marvelous. Don't let anybody tell you that they are struggling to fill the schedules. There was a triumph on the Discovery Channel last night. The channel is scrambled on our telly but I would definetly watch "Sex Change Operations Uncut".

Normally, I hide behind the sofa when any real blood and guts is on telly. Heather has to tell me when its safe to look. Doing a Sex Change Operation without cutting, sounds like a great idea. In our house it was suggested that the scalpel must be replaced by size 10 boots.

If I was the director I would be tempted to add comic sound effects as well.

Valentines day

Yesterday I bought Heather a Valentines day card. I knew she was not home late so I chose one from the shop yesterday. When I gave Heather the card she noticed hit had a picture of a elephant on the front.

"So you think I look like a cute elephant?"

I said "I don't think your cute", it came out before I could think about it.

"Any way how do you know its from me?". You know you have lost when you resort to this line.

I thought I had done really well going into town to buy a card and spending seconds choosing it.

Today..

.. is my 45 birthday, had a good day.
Sadly, Heather is on the way back from London so I will not see her until tonight.
Got up late.
Had breakfast.
Realised I left phone at Army Hall last night.
Realised I needed to tidy house before Heather comes home.
Spoke to Heather on the phone. Apparently, Matthew has been sick in London so Heather hasn't had much sleep.
Opened Birthday cards. Didn't get any Valentine cards :(. Never mind
Went to town, bought stuff. Got hair cut. Had to wait ages - half term, loads of kids.
Went to gym. Didn't have too long so went for swim.
Had lunch at Gym
Thought about what to spend my birthday money on.
Went to PCWorld
Met Gemma at Hall for CAP work. Picked up phone.
Did CAP work with Gemma.
Drove back to Ormskirk. Picked up Matthews new glasses. Had cup of coffee in Ormskirk.
Thought avout what to spend my birthday money on.
Went to Currys
Went home
Almost passed out - Alistair has tidied up, house looks OK.
Watched a bit of football on telly
Alistair makes fab tea with birthday cake and everything (apart from singing, he refused)
Watched a bit of what is probably the worst telly programme of all time "Relic Hunter".
Will & Deb not going to Corps Council (I will have to be stroppy for them too:) )
I am now going to Army for Corps Council.
See Heather later.

New picture of Sarah

Here is a new picture of Sarah. This was taken last Friday at our house. She is sitting on Lynseys knee (I think).

A little bit older than my teeth

When I asked my Grandma how old she was, she would always say the same thing. I not sure what the first bit was, but it went something like "I'm as old as my hair and a little bit older than my teeth". Well I know that Grandma is over 100 now and she still has her hair, I don't think she has had her own teeth for some time now, and I lost a valuable tooth yesterday at the dentist.

I am eating noodles and pasta for the time being. When the dentist was taking it out it felt like my eyes where coming out as well. But she gave me the tooth in a small envelope with the tooth fairy on and it looks relatively small. Especially considering the pain and inconvenience it has caused over the last few months (It broke on Christmas Day).

I'm in mourning for the tooth, we have been through a lot together, it is well known to Geoff (my old dentist and friend), who has spent many hours xraying, root filling, poking and prodding it. Now it in a tooth fairy envelope and redundant.

I'm 45 in two weeks ("never" I hear you say) and I hoping that no other bits of me get left behind.

Popular Cultural Reference #2 - ITV Play

I heard today on the radio that ITV Play have been "told off" by Oftel, because there questions are too obscure. Apparently, the top answer to the question "What is found in a womans handbag?" is rawl plugs. Another on the list is a balaclava.



I wouldn't be surprised to see rawl plugs in Heathers handbag, but I would be surprised to see a balaclava. Although, if you have a look and see the type of thing she was wearing when she was small ....



... and balaclavas are very practical. They keep your head AND your ears warm (and are handy in a jewelry theft).

We've hit the big time now lads

The star of such classics as Judge Dredd, Tango and Cash, Stop or My Mom Will Shoot, Cliff Hanger, The Specialist, Demolition Man etc is fan of Everton Soccer Club.

(Oh, and Escape to Victory)

I'm so proud.

Fashion absolution

Having been born in 1962. Had my teenage years mainly in the 70s, I feel qualified to offer the following service:

Do you want to confess your worst fashion sin. Of course this may have been in simpler times but you need to confess now, you know you want to.

Post them here and I will deal with your problems.

Beware there may be penance to be paid.

Popular Cultural References #1 - Jade Goodie

During the current series of Celebrity Big Brother, I have come to realise, its not her fault, I now feel sorry for her....

....Now I see her mother.

Christmas Carolling

Warning: The following post contains Sally Army references which may confuse.

I did add up the number of Christmas Carols played in December but I am not sure if it is accurate. I think it is around 400 to 500. I know most of the carols now so my mind tends to wander whilst I am playing them. Here are some of the games I play.

1. Looking out for celebrity shoppers. This is very difficult in Liverpool, especially as I don't or have never watched any of the local soaps (Hollyoaks - Chester, The one in South Liverpool that has finished now, can't remember what it was called). So even if one of the actors came over and started to conduct the band, I wouldn't have a clue who it was. And some of the more well known Liverpool celebrities wouldn't now be seen dead in Liverpool in December (certainly not in Asda or Tescos), Cilla Black, Jimmy Tarbuck etc. Now I have seen Ken Dodd but not whilst Carolling, he was buying a SCART cable from Richer Sounds and I also saw him buying a book in Waterstones. I have although seen Alexei Sayle in Sainsburys Woolton with his mum. And various Everton and Liverpool footballers.

2. When carolling in a supermarket, I watch people leaving the store and try and guess what car they have. I always get this wrong.

3. When carolling in Liverpool City Centre there is amusement to be had watching illegal traders evading the police.

4. Picking carols at the bottom of the page to make our bass players grumpy.

5. Dodging shopping trolleys driven by older people. I got hit twice in 10 minutes on one Saturday morning.

6. Looking out for bargains in Sainsburys on the last Saturday before Christmas. Last year Simon and I bought sprouts for 10p. In fact I think I owe Simon 10p because I didn't have any money in my coat pocket.

A couple of Christmasses ago we where asked to call into the local radio station to play on the Billy Butler show on Saturday morning. We all trooped into the studio and played Away in a Manger and Silent Night. Billy was so taken by this, he decided to include the band in his quiz for the day. So Billy said to the band on air, "I know let's give these fellas an 'orse".

I looked at Ray (who was at the time PR officer at DHQ) quizically. What's a norse. Then the penny dropped he wanted us to select a horse in a race for him to back. He was showing us a list. Ray started to splutter "Ah, well you see we can't ....", but I chipped in with "Let's have that one" and Billy said "OK". So our band backed a horse on "live" local radio.

I think Ray was thinking of the questions from the DC on Monday morning on the way to carolling. The rest of the band where laughing too much, of course non of us where employed by the Army.

The horse came in second, but we didn't see any winnings.

Of course gambling is a bad thing and I regret .......

An Inconvenient Truth

We have been using a DVD at work called an Inconvenient Truth. It is a presentation by Al Gore (ex American Vice President) about global warming. We have based a number of sessions around the issues raised. I would recommend watching, (there is a fair bit of American sugar and slop) but it has a good message (and a bit scary). Al Gore comes across as a good man (he was almost the president instead of George W. Bush!)

There is also the web site well worth a visit.

Turn of those water taps, televisions and lights!!!

A Christmas picture

Here is a picture of our Christmas Cake.

I think Joseph is saying to Mary "I hope that knife is for the turkey"

Highlights of my Christmas day

Playing my last Carol (Unto us a child is born). I reckon that I have played about 400 carols this December.



Matthew, Grandad, Nana and a Whoopy Cushion



Dozing off while the Queens speech is on, and Heather reminding my that the settee I was sitting on reclined.



Beating somebody at Internet Checkers



Christmas lunch at my mum and dads, I had a roast potato shaped like a bottom (see below).

Ouststanding!

Matthew school Christmas play

I have been to Matthews Christmas play at school. I must admit, this is the first one I have been to of both my boys school plays. But I was seriously impressed. In this play Matthew had a major part, we new he had a talking part, but we didn't know he had two solos to sing.

Matthew is on the left.

The climax of the play is when the little boy (Matthew) is asked to give his present to the baby Jesus, which turns out to be a kiss. Matthew, at this point, stood behind the manger bolt upright and put his head into the manger as if he was bobbing for apples on Bon Fire Night.

Of course, everyone burst out laughing. (That's my boy)

Sarah and Mary are home

Just been round to see Mary, Peter, Rosie and Sarah at home. Sarah seems quite pleased with the new place to live. In fact, she spent the whole time asleep.

There was a house full of people and both sets of grand parents where in attendance when the four of use turned up. Sarah remained unimpressed.

Despite everybody having a cuddle Sarah remained asleep. Getting ready for a busy night ahead, no doubt.

New pictures of Sarah

Well I have been to the hospital this afternoon to see Mary and Sarah but my cameras battery died when I was there. But I have managed to take two pictures and here they are.

My favourite scene from our Christmas play

For pictures of Pete, Mary and Rosies baby see below:

The wise men enter from the back of the hall chasing the star (Rosie) around the hall. They are wearing curtains and cardboard crowns. They sing a Wise man song (obviously in a minor key). Just before they reach the stable and manger, they catch up with the star (Rosie) and she manages to knock off the first Wisemans crown and poke him in the eye with the star.

They meet the Inn Keeper who invites them to see the baby Jesus (Katie) in song. The Wisemen accept the invitation and move onto the stage or stable, behind the star.

Wisemen 2 (Dave M): I bring you Gold! [delivered like Charlton Heston bringing the ten commandments down from the mountain]

Mary (Rachel): Thank you very much [as if thanking someone for passing the sugar]

Wiseman 2 (Dave S): I bring you Frankinsense! [delivered with awe and reverence]

Mary (Rachel): Thank you very much [delivered yesterday when I was at Asda and I had interrupted the girl at the till with my money when she was having a conversation with her colleague]

Wiseman 3 (Steve): I bring you Myrrh! [delivered with awe and reverence]

Mary (Rachel) Thank you very much [I don't know what I am going to use Myrrh for?]

Great day, hundreds of people there, play was fabulous, everybody did a great job. (By the way I exaggerate above, but Rosie did knock off the wise mans hat and poke him in the eye)

Welcome to our world

Here is my new niece called "Baby", for the time being.

Arrived today at 2:40pm

Christmas house decorations

I plan to take photos of "tastefully" christmas decorated houses and post them on this blog for comment. If anybody sees any local ones that should be published let me know and I will try and get them on.