I'm not sure what the purpose of this blog is ..

New look

2011-06-30T13:14:00.001Z

New design, what do you think? Think I prefer black. If I change the design I might write some more on my blog.

Teaching

2011-06-30T12:21:00.004Z

I've been teaching now for a few years and this time of year is really stressful. I been trying to think why it's been so hard and I have come to the following conclusions.

1. For some teachers all their years work is wrapped up in the performance of young people at this time of year. In my case, I have very little control over what they do or how they perform I just know that next years course will be coloured by how they do.
2. Everyone is in the same position. All teachers are trying their best to get learners past qualifications.
3. Some learners do not share our urgency.
4. We have so many mundane and (what seem) worthless paper work and tasks to do.
5. Deadlines are final and cannot be crossed
6. I have come across a few people who think they know what it is to work with 16 - 18 year old young people at level 1 (foundation level, G - D GCSE) and they obviously don't.
7. Oh and we are trying to buy a new house, that does help

Bob Parr

2010-05-27T11:59:00.007Z

My car went into repair yesterday and so I have a courtesy car for a week or so. I went to Enterprise Car Hire with some trepidation because I'm not a small bloke and struggle in small cars generally. I came out with a Ford Ka.

It's been a while

2010-05-25T22:19:00.002Z

My blog has been on my mind for a while. I haven't contributed for a year now. There was a few reasons, facebook among them. I did tend to think about things in terms of how I would write this up as a blog entry. So I have given it a bit of a rest. But its time to post some more words and pictures. See how it goes.

Day off

2009-05-29T18:54:00.006Z

I handed in my last assignment for my teaching qualification yesterday and today Matthew and I had a day out. We first went out to Ormskirk to get his hair cut. Here are some pictures from my new phone.

Matthew playing in the park

This is the view to Orsmkirk church which has a spire and a tower (weird)

It's the cup final tomorrow, but I saw Joe Royle go into a local craft shop. (He is now the manager at Oldham FC) Sadly no picture.

Technology

2009-04-17T21:48:00.003Z

I think its really cool that pensioners are embracing the age of technology. Heather reviews articles that her dad writes for the church news letter. And so:

He wrote the original article in Microsoft Word on his PC at home.
He printed it out
He was unable to save the document on his PC
So he scanned the document back into the computer and saved it onto his USB drive
He gave the USB drive to Heather
Heather copied the file onto her USB drive and took it home
When Heather got the file home it was saved as a Jpeg picture
And drove to Southport to retype the document out from the picture supplied

Can anyone do better?

Dullest blog

2009-03-25T20:42:00.002Z

Heather found this blog. Well worth a read.

http://www.dullestblog.com/

Bargains

2009-03-21T21:35:00.002Z

It seems that Heather and I have a new pass time. We trawl the charity shops in Ormskirk for bargains. We have many charity shops to go to, at least 10. I look at the books whilst Heather does coats and dresses, I bought enough books to replenish their stocks. Heather has saved a fortune on nearly new clothes.

Of course Matthew follows us round complaining all the way.

CSI

2009-02-24T23:40:00.003Z

I dont often watch CSI, but I am watching CSI New York (the one with Gary Sinise). I have noticed how everyone dies in a weird and interesting way always leaving cryptic clues. This show has Blow fish and a DJ related murder. But I suppose it would be a boring show if everyone that week died from not waking up or some sort of heart complaint.

Weekend

2009-02-23T20:30:00.008Z

We have been in a friends cottage in the Lake District for the weekend. We had a very lovely time. And its only 90 minutes away.

This is Holker Hall, Matt and I went into a Motor Museum there.
Not sure what animal this is (or what it's doing)

Lake Windermere

Matt and Heather outside the cottage. (Thanks L&M)

Sometimes I am liking the pictures

2009-01-30T00:12:00.007Z

Family Elliott at leisure

2009-01-29T23:28:00.002Z

This is what happens in our house when we are all tired and need to relax. Al is on ebay (aspirational, although he now has a job), Heath is doing facebook (selling out/sorting her dad out), Kev is doing proper blogging.

It took a few goes to get the picture right.Sorry about the picture Heath.

Sally Army Post

2009-01-27T23:17:00.004Z

At the end of last year I "stepped down" (???) as bandmaster after ten years (I think). So I have got my old cornet out and started to practice a bit (So I don't embarrass myself too much). As soon as I have started playing it has started to fall apart and so has gone for repair.

Hope it comes back OK. And less bent

Lessons in the obvious

2009-01-27T22:50:00.003Z

Today Al (my son) has discovered all sorts of new things:

Knifes are sharp (he has cut himself twice today at work in a kitchen)

Ovens are hot (he has burnt himself in aforementioned kitchen)

To add to this, on the news today, kebabs are fattening. He wanted to stop on they way home and buy one, but we didn't.

Christmas 9

2008-12-25T16:39:00.002Z

Happy Christmas everyone.

I have been trying to get the killer shot today, which is Grandad playing Guitar Hero on the Nintendo Wii.

Christmas 8

2008-12-24T17:59:00.007Z

I promised some pictures of the band at Goodison Park on Monday so here we are.

If Carlsberg did Christmas Carolling

2008-12-23T10:16:00.007Z

Last night was my second to last engagement as bandmaster. We went to Goodison Park for the Everton v Chelsea premiership game to play in the executive lounges, before the game on the pitch during the pre-match warm-up and again at half-time on the pitch.

We got insulted by Duncan McKenzie in the Alex Young Suite (made my day). He introduced us as "Take That" (whoever they are and what brass instruments do they play?).

I saw him later when we were on the pitch - he recognised me and gave me a thumbs up sign.

I'll try and get some more pictures from Pete.

Howard (my brother) said if he got a chance he would trip up John Terry with his trombone, make it onto Sky Sport and onto MOTD 2. But he didn't have to, he got sent off before half time (John Terry not Howard).

Missed the incident as we where queuing up waiting to walk onto the pitch.

We all have blue gravel and pitch mud on our shoes, we are all refusing to clean them. My dad has already spread it around his carpet at home.

Christmas 7

2008-12-17T21:22:00.003Z

Radio Merseyside tonight with a few guys from the band. They told us they needed us from 5.00pm so we all rushed from work to get there on time. Only to be told we would not be on from 6:50. Doh!

Almost there now, only two more caroling engagements a Sunday, then the Everton v Chelsea game on Monday night.

Oh and Christmas eve.

Christmas 6

2008-12-14T22:06:00.003Z

Its been a busy few days for Liverpool Walton Salvation Army band. ITV telly on Friday, we did BBC last year (The Liverpool Nativity) it's ITV this year. The consensus of opinion amongst bandmen is that BBC look after you better, we had to fight for sandwiches and muffins with the techy guys with ITV. The BBC sorted us out with a cooked meal with celebs. It was cold, dark and a bit miserable, we only had one chance to get thing right even though it wasn't live telly, so we don't really now what it will come out like. I suspect it will sound a bit dodgy. Too cold.
Saturday morning was carolling in Liverpool City Centre. We spent the morning looking for sports stars as Sports Personality was filmed in the Echo Arena, I didn't see one. There was loads of Spanish people around who had come to see Liverpool FC draw with Hull.
Sunday was our "Civic" carol concert. Two performances, good day.

Christmas 5

2008-12-12T22:44:00.003Z

Tonight we did the ITV recording at Alder Hey childrens hospital for Christmas Eve.

We are all very tired.

Christmas 4

2008-12-06T14:27:00.004Z

I have spent this morning playing carols outside Morrisons at Ormskirk. I marvelled at the near misses in the car park and the long queues to get out.
Our morning was livened up when the security people chased a young man across the car park when he tried to leave with a full trolley of food without paying. The security guards gave a good chase and I thought they where going to catch him at one point, but he got away.

Note: Always pay for goods at Morrisons you could never beat the security guards to the car, load the car and queue up to leave before they caught up with you.

Christmas 3

2008-12-05T20:49:00.005Z

Does anyone else irrationally dislike the colour of Des O'Connors jumper on the latest Tescos advert?

Christmas 2

2008-12-05T20:13:00.003Z

The tat has begun its Christmas creep across our house.

Christmas 1

2008-12-04T22:39:00.003Z

This is my cornet. We bought it more than 20 years ago now, and Heather reminds me that it almost bankrupt us when we bought it. Its a bit battered and bruised these days but its out of its box from today for Christmas playing.
I thought I would start Christmas blogs knowing that we have a busy schedule which includes several highlights:

Telly on ITV Christmas Eve from Alder Hey Childrens hospital.
BBC Radio Merseyside
Before the Premiership match, Everton v Chelsea on the 22nd December
A couple of Christmas Carol concerts.

But it has started today with Sainsburys Knotty Ash

American President

2008-11-05T21:01:00.005Z

I was really impressed today with the speech given by Barack Obama, Americas new President elect. But, there is one thing I need to warn him about, and that is Bob the Builder.

"He can't sue him"

"YES HE CAN"

Pets 2

2008-11-04T18:45:00.003Z

A couple of weeks ago I blogged about a colleague who keeps a few pets. Today she came into work a bit distraught. Apparently one of her dogs ate one of the chinchillas over the weekend.
At the moment, its circling the Axolotl with fur round its grinning, contented mouth, dreaming of desert.

Most embarassing

2008-10-31T10:30:00.003Z

I was watching telly the other night, channel hopping as normal (I own the remote control). When I came across a programme, "Teenage Embarrassing Bodies" (Only for the brave). I must say at this point I am a bit squeamish when it comes to real blood and guts on telly. I can watch pretend stuff all day, but real blood makes me quake behind my 13inch Apple laptop screen.
Heather on the other hand does not seem to be squeamish at all, in fact she made me stay on the programme. I didn't watch, just heard the sound, which seem to go a bit like this:

Male teenager: I have a bit of a problem down there (pointing)
Doctor: Lets have a look then. Drop your trousers and sit up here.
Male teenager: OK (jumps on table and drops his shorts)
Kevin (Shouting at director): Cut away, cut away, Ohh do I need to see this (then hides behind laptop) Tell me when its finished.
Doctor: (Sharp intake of breath), Ooh that looks sore
Male teenager: Is that normal
Heather: Don't look yet
Doctor: How many partners have you had?
Kevin: Do we really need to know this? Can I look yet?
Heather: (shouting) NO!
Male teenager: (smiling) I quite active in that department, but no permanent partner. Just lots of different ones.

The programme went on in similar vein for an hour, I think, then repeated on C4+1. I wandered where the embarrasment was in this show. It certainly wasn't on any of the teenagers featured on the show as I don't think they would have volunteered to share there rashes and growths with the nation.

I was the one embarrassed hidden behind my laptop. Can I look yet.

Heroes

2008-10-24T22:17:00.003Z

We are watching the new series of Heroes on Wednesday night. We have to watch each show twice, on BBC Two then on BBC Three before we can get what is going on.

Is this just us?

Pets

2008-10-24T21:48:00.005Z

I work with some strange people. A colleague of mine was telling me how her chinchillas had eaten through the cable which supplied power to machine which provided oxygen to her fish. Who promptly died. She was upset by this because she was beginning to "bond" with her fish. I don't know what happened to the chinchillas, I presume they survived electrocution.

Rather than buying new fish she bought an Axolotl. Which looks like this.

I think you must admit its a strange looking thing. She insists that this creature gets excited when she comes into the room. I keep searching her face for some sort of irony but cannot see any at all.

I get appalled looks when I explain my first impressions of small animals is that I wander how far they would travel if I kicked them.

Annual appeal 4

2008-09-19T20:40:00.002Z

Another nights collecting, and it finished early as most people seem to go out on Friday night (surprisingly). But I did find myself getting a bit up tight with a couple of people who live in very large houses out of sight from the main road. The first bloke surprised me when he came to the door as I was admiring his lovely Austin Martin DB7 car. He said he didn't do business at the door so I thanked him and left. The next guy at a bigger house came to the door with a napkin and he couldn't possibly give any money because he was eating dinner.
Hay Ho, never mind, nearly finished.

Annual appeal 3

2008-09-17T20:33:00.003Z

Second day collecting and Ray and I are doing Long Lane. It is an interesting fact how Long Lane has got its name. It's not to do with it's width or even it's height but it's length, it is long. This has a special appeal to door to door collectors as not only is Long Lane long, but it is straight. So when we have finally finished collecting, we have to walk the long length of Long Lane back to the car.
Long lane starts with old houses populated mainly by professional people who get home late, who are not in when I call. And finishes with older retired people who won't open the door because it's too late.
At least the copper jar was given to me near the end of the evening so I didn't have too far to carry. And Gill drove down Long Lane to pick us up, happy days.

Annual appeal 2

2008-09-16T19:57:00.003Z

Sadly (or not) collecting was canceled tonight. But that gave me the opportunity to play with my new iPod Touch. I shall update my blog from this device when I get to grips

Annual appeal 1

2008-09-15T21:54:00.003Z

Here we are, third week of September, time for Salvation Army Annual Appeal. It's been our first night out collecting today. On the way round it seems traditional that I make up a blog entry. But I have struggled tonight, but Will has posted a motivational video on Youtube, check it out (Hi Ho, it's off to work we go).

I promise to think harder tomorrow.

Big Bang Day

2008-09-09T22:12:00.003Z

Tomorrow is big bang day, so radio 4, on the bbc, is making it a feature. Tomorrow, we could know how everything works or we could blow everything up. If everything does disappear in a black hole tomorrow, there will be a lot of egg on faces at CERN.

I just hope before they turn the thing on they have built in the reverse polarity button or have designed a feature so they can fire a tachyon burst at the new black holes. (it always works in Star Trek)

London

2008-08-28T21:24:00.005Z

We have been in London this week, staying with our lovely relatives (here). There are things I like and about London and things I dislike. I feel a list coming on:

Likes:
1. Museums and art galleries (we have been to most over the last few days)
2. Public transport is relatively cheap. (if you buy the special cards etc)
3. Its good to go on holiday to.
4. You're never far from a coffee shop
5. Surreptitious celeb. spotting (no pointing or shouting (no looking actually, you are only allowed one glance), I think I saw a few today but not too sure)

Dislikes:
1. Getting anywhere in a car is virtually impossible and or intensely annoying.
2. Once you get somewhere it is impossible to park your car.
3. Sometimes there are too many people on the pavements. It is difficult for them to walk down the road without bumping into you.
4. Everybody apart from me seems to know where they are going.
5. Buses and bus drivers.
6. Everyone in the free newspapers seems to be moaning about Boris, (they voted for him, so shut up)

Olympics II

2008-08-21T09:56:00.006Z

I enjoy watching sports that I haven't seen before. I watched a swimming competition with the sound turned down on the telly, so I guessed the rules.

30 swimmers meet at the starting line. They decide on who is "it", probably by "dibbing" ("One potato, two potato, three potato more..." etc). Then the all dive in the water, swim for two hours and chase the guy who is "it" and try to pull his swimming costume off or kick him in the face.

The guy who is "it" (who seemed to be British) tries to shake them off by swimming in the wrong direction. Anyway, the British guy got kicked etc, but didn't lose his costume so he got silver medal... result.

Ikea again!!!

2008-08-20T09:31:00.004Z

As I have been on holiday I have been painting Matthews bedroom. Which of course means that his existing furniture looks tatty as soon as it is moved. We decided to help him improve his toy storage system which seems to be covering every bit of space on the floor.

I went to Ikea with the full intention of enjoying the experience. In fact we had tea there and it was quite pleasant although they seemed to have turned the air conditioning to create Arctic conditions presumably to encourage customers to eat up and go and spend money on worthless/useless tat.

Working through Ikea with Heather reminds me of my favourite scene in Bugs live trailer.

Insect one "Don't look at the light"

Insect two (heading towards blue insectocutor light) "I can't help it, it's soooo beautiful"

I took a firm hand last night. She had to hold my hand or the trolly I was pushing. It was a close call when we walked through the smelly expensive candle section, but she stayed away from the blue light.

We picked our furniture and went to collect it from the "warehouse". They have obviously spend a fortune on computer equipment which tracks where each frame and shelve are. Only to be let down by staff who seem to put the stock wherever they want to. We spent a good twenty minutes looking for something called a Trofast which turned out to be with the chairs or Hedvka (as they say in Ikealand).

Yet again I found my temper fraying.

Olympics I

2008-08-18T10:16:00.004Z

I have been quite taken by the Olympics in Beijing. I'm on holiday now for three weeks and so will be able to watch the last week of games. Just two things that have caused me concern:

Has anybody else noticed that the BBC music sounds a bit like the old cockney favourite "My Ole Man" (The where he is dillying and dallying not when he is a dustman)

Sport scientists, since Usain Bolt won the 100m at what appeared a dawdle, have now decided that the ideal size of sprinter is over six foot. For those people over six foot, this is now an big disappointment. At school we have traditionally been given the discus and the high jump to compete at. Who knows what the world record would be if tall guys had competed.

Perhaps I shouldn't have started ...

2008-08-05T18:37:00.002Z

I don't know if any of you have been in this situation.

Scene: Kitchen, teatime. Alistair (son), Heather (wife) and myself present.

My friend Jason rang Alistair today, and Alistair has been relaying the conversation to Heather and I. Jason studied near Liverpool and we playing in the SA Band together for a couple of years.

Heather: It's good to here from Jason.

Kevin: Yes, I remember when we used to play Christmas Carols in Church Street. We used to place ourselves opposite Miss Selfridge so we could (trailing off as he realizes where this is going)

Heather: Perhaps you shouldn't have started that sentence ...

SuperLambBanana day

2008-07-14T19:10:00.009Z

Saturday was SuperLambBanana day. Jeanette, Glyn, Heather, Jim, me and 4 small children went on a tour of Liverpool which included catching all the SuperLambBananas in the centre of Liverpool and a history man to give us interesting information.

Here are some pictures:

Matthew decided to kiss every LambBanana he met.

The smartest looking LambBanana

The people of Liverpool where so impressed with Ringo Starr's contribution to the launching the Capital of Culture year, they had him painted yellow, stuffed and mounted in front of the Beatles museum at the Albert Dock.

Despite being married for nearly 23 years Heather and I are still being stalked by her Dad.

I know what he does during the year!

2008-06-27T21:42:00.004Z

Heather and I have decided to "redo" our living room, decorate, carpets etc. With this in mind we went to B&Q, Homebase etc to look at new fireplaces. There was plenty of choice bit nobody who could really help and advise us. So we went to a small shop in Birkdale, Southport which just sells Fireplaces called "Blazes".

We walked into the shop and had a look round. A small man with a beard sat at a desk asked if he could help. So we explained that we where looking at changing our fireplace.

"Where do you live?" he asked

"Ormskirk" we replied

"Where abouts in Ormskirk"

"On the corner of Burscough Street and County Road"

"Oh yes I know the type of house"

He then went on to describe the type of flue that we possess and a pretty accurate description of our fireplace. He then on to tell us what we had to do to get a modern looking fireplace.

We where very impressed.

But after telling Jason, at work, about this man we have to ask the following questions. Who knows a lot about fireplaces? When I walked into the shop was there a slight whiff of reindeer droppings? (how do I know what reindeer droppings smell like) Did he laugh with a bit of a Ho Ho Ho!?

I bet its him!!!

New Christians

2008-06-10T21:34:00.003Z

I have just got back from a tea at our church/corps for new Christians. We all had a fabulous evening (thanks Val for the great gammon). I think the hope was that new people to our church would recognise us as ordinary people. Heather and I will be running a Journeys course on Friday evening from next week, so we need to plan for that.

The next time I will meet some of these people will be on Sunday when I will be wearing my uniform. I spent some time explaining that will be the same person even though I will be look odd.

MacBook

2008-06-07T20:26:00.003Z

Well I have finally left the Microsoft family and bought a Macbook. This is my first post on my lovely new Macbook. Does it look any different?

Sorry about your weight

2008-05-19T21:07:00.004Z

I may have blogged about this before, but I enjoy listening out for corporate speak. McDonalds are typical. Before they had a partnership with Coke, they had their own cola drink. It was obviously policy for all the restaurant staff to correct customers if they asked for a Coke to say "McDonalds Cola?". I would always pause and say "Oh I'll have an orange, please" (Ha Ha).

It now seems policy for staff to say "Sorry about your wait" when the food is more than a couple of minutes in coming. There are several things about this quote, firstly the staff delivery the line with as much feeling as "Can help you" in the first place. So they are obviously not sorry themselves. As it seems to be customer policy to apologize for the food to take some time, perhaps it McDonalds corporate who are showing sorrow. Now we all know this isn't possible, so perhaps they think we will all think McDonalds is a wonderful company if they staff show remorse for late cold food and we will all spend more money there.

So I have decided they they are not apologising for the late food but for selling fattening food, hence "Sorry about your weight". I have decided to join Heather on her diet, thus spending less time in McDonalds more time eating vegetables.

Having said all this we had breakfast there last Saturday.

Roots 08 weekend II

2008-05-08T20:31:00.006Z

Having been on the Roots "behind the scenes" team now for a number of years, I notice a trait within the people who work there. This trait is their single mindedness to achieve the mission of the event, to provide an event which inspires and equips the Salvation Army for spiritual renewal. Everyone works towards this aim.

I want this for my home church/corps in Liverpool. This weekend our songsters are going to Cardiff to sing in their corps, I hope that they recognise a single mindedness in us this weekend, to sing praises to the Lord and to glimpse him through us.

Grandma 1906 -2008

2008-05-08T17:21:00.003Z

My Grandma died last week. But it was a happy event for our family. She was 101 and was ready to go to heaven.

About 1906
Roosevelt was the American President
The Prime Minister was Henry Campbell-Bannerman (In fact he was the first Prime Minister)
Sadly Liverpool won the first division title
More happily Everton won the FA Cup
The first radio broadcast in 1906
Cornflakes where invented in 1906

Of course the main world event of 1906 was the San Fancisco earthquake.

Grandma was 6 when the First World War started
She was 33 when the Second World War started

Grandma left school and went to work in the cotton mills of Burnley when she was only young.

She went to the Salvation Army Training College, her flag was removed from the main assembly hall recently to make way for newer flags.

There is a small book that she wrote with the help of my mum, of her life which is really interesting.

Grandma shared her birth and death year with Albert Hofman, the man who invented LSD??!!

Roots 08 weekend I

2008-05-08T17:06:00.006Z

Well, Roots 08 has been and gone. And I sit here thinking about all the work that went in, and all the new people I met and the worry etc. (I have run the stewarding team (with Heather) for the last four years). We had more than 70 stewards this year which manned 8 different locations with 21 different time slots more than 650 stewarding events.

I can't think what my highlight was. Overall I think it was a relieve that everything went OK and people where kept save. The Big Top didn't burn down. Nobody pinched half of the resource zone. Everyone worked really hard to make sure it was a success.

I took Tuesday off on holiday and normally I would go back to Southport and see the Big Top in different states of decommissioning. This year I didn't because it was Grandmas funeral at our Salvation Army. We had a good band and almost a full Songsters. A lot of my family came down from Aberdeen to the funeral and it was really great to see them. I wish we could have spent longer together as I have not seen them for some time and some I have not met at all yet.

I must get to Aberdeen soon.

I'll post some pictures when I get them.

Trying not to be bitter

2008-04-24T21:40:00.002Z

Alistair has just taken delivery of his new Macbook. I'm trying not to be too bitter, but I am writing this post on his shiny white new laptop and I am very impressed with the equipment (the keyboard, although it looks fragile, is firm and reassuring, the screen is bright and very clear.) and the operating system (It does loads of really cool stuff).

I am now saving up...

Alistairs birthday

2008-04-09T16:23:00.003Z

Alistair is 18 on Friday. We had a surprisen birthday party for him on Saturday night. He really had no idea, he was totally surprised. Despite following one of his friends from school into the Salvation Army car park!!?? Heather and I both took Friday off to prepare food and get the place in shape. All his cousins, uncles and aunties where there and Deb and Will came from London.

I'll post the picturs on my new Flickr account.

I like this ... Ubuntu

2008-03-26T21:28:00.003Z

I have been increasing getting fed up with Windows products. So when a PC at home required a rebuild, I have installed Ubuntu Linux. It comes with all sorts of software (including Open Office, same as Microsoft office but free), it looks great and is really easy to use.

I would highly recommend.

The Apprentice

2008-03-26T21:11:00.003Z

A new series of Apprentice has just started on BBC 1. All the relevant stereotypes that have done the series proud over the past few series seem to be present.

Eye Candy for the boys
Eye Candy for the girls
Pompous idiots abound
Upper class idiot
Ex Barrow boy
Piece of rough for both sexes

All with "made up" job titles. (Global Pricing Leader?)

I like these .... Biscuits

2008-03-10T22:56:00.003Z

Heather reckons these are the best biscuits in the world

Marks and Spencer Viennese biscuit Selection

I agree. We have almost eaten all of them tonight.

Getting around Ikea

2008-03-10T22:36:00.003Z

On Saturday we went to Warrington Ikea. So I have devised the following rules for getting around.
Rule 1. Go around with friends. Make sure you take friends with you to Ikea, You can then focus on taking the mickey out of Ikea with friends rather than just Heather (Because she has heard all of your jokes, although she still laughs politely).

Rule 2. Don't even try to use the shortcuts (the store have installed "men short cuts" which bypass part of the store.) You will get to the end of the store and realise you haven't been to all parts. So you will need to back track and find the bits you have missed.

Rule 3. My friend at work tells me that you need to look out for women in the car park crying. Apparently there are lots, they are crying because they have had a row about what they haven't bought or because they can't get what they have bought into the car.

Rule 4. Always walk slightly ahead of the group you are with. It adds an element of urgency to the expedition.

Rule 5. Never let your guard down. Even towards the end of the store, when you get to the check out, there are items which seem you can't live without. But when you get them home, you will a) wonder what they are for b) Have already bought six and forgotten about c) They will have broken before you get them into the house from the car.

Rule 6. Don't go with kids. You will never get them out of kids bedrooms.

Rule 7. Go just before lunch, so you can spend most of your time in the cafe.

Thanks to Glyn and Jeanette for the inspiration and for the good time on Saturday

I like this .... Design

2008-03-04T23:22:00.003Z

I have just seen this guy on telly and his stuff looks great

Marc Newson

Hair

2008-03-04T22:51:00.005Z

We were discussing going to the barbers the other day. I know it's so different when ladies go to the hairdressers, its much more of a social event (they have cups of coffee and everything). There are fewer choices when I go and get my hair cut.

They always ask "What do you want?". They may think I am taking the mickey if I say something like "Can you cut it shorter". I always remember the barber here has so much power, hair grows extremely slowly and they don't seem to be short of customers. So I don't feel in a position of strength, to make some sort of Smart Alec comment. So I always fall back on "Can you tidy it up, please". Which I suppose means "Can you cut it shorter".

But there comes the time when they do give you a choice. And that is "Square or tapered?" Now for a time, I was not always sure what is meant here. So I always said "Square". I have recently changed to "Tapered, please" and I can't tell the difference. So I am thinking perhaps I should ask for tapered on one side and square on the other, but Neil thinks people will look at me strangely.

Perhaps I should go for the more female approach and when the barber asks "What do you want?" give him a picture of Tom Cruise and say "Make me look like him". I bet you will be able to hear the laughter across West Lancs. So it will be "Can you tidy it up please."

Today

2008-02-29T23:45:00.004Z

It takes 365 and just less than a quarter days for the earth to move back to the same position relatively to the sun. Because of the quarter day, every four years we have a leap day to make sure that the seasons stay in the same place in relation to the year.

This is because the rotation on its own axis is not relational to its rotation around the sun. So it actually turns on its own axis 365.2422 each year.

If the year can be divided by 100 then we do not have a leap day, but if it can be divided by 400 we do have one.

Apparently, we have leap seconds on December 31st. This means we get an extra beep on Radio 4 at midnight.

Hope that clears that up then.

DFL

2008-02-25T19:34:00.001Z

I had the pleasure of being a facilitator at the Army's Design for Life weekend again this weekend. Based on my last experience, in Scotland, I booked the following Monday (today) on holiday to recover.

I left on Friday morning and arrived at Sunbury Court at 3:20. When I got of the train at Sunbury station I wasn't sure what direction to go in, so I phoned Ray for the address and walked to the local library to find a map. The walk takes you past London Irish Rugby ground and some fairly grand suburban houses. During the 25 minutes walk I did wander if DFL was indeed at Sunbury Court and had visions of a late night dash across London to Denmark Hill which is the other venue used near London. When I got there I couldn't find anybody. I was able to get into the building but not a soul was to be found. Eventually I saw a note on one of doors which said "Kevin's Room", I was relieved.

I made many new friends and renewed friends with someone I had not met for many years. I think everybody agreed it was a fantastic weekend and many people made decisions about their futures.

I left for home at 3:10 on Sunday and arrived home at 9:15.

I may blog some more about the weekend when I have considered everything that went on.

A first time

2008-02-20T14:08:00.003Z

I am on a e-learner course in Liverpool. As part of the course we have been "introduced" to web 2.0. So this is the first time I have been encouraged as part of my work to post in a blog. I haven't mentioned that this blog has been going now for almost two years.

Firefox

2008-02-18T10:25:00.002Z

For those of you who use Firefox and Internet Explorer as a browser, Will has introduced me to a marvelous add-in. Its called PicTel. It works with Facebook, Flickr, google images and a few other sites to give a 3d environment to view your pictures.

Give it a go it looks fabulous, and easy to use.

Things we don't have any more

2008-01-31T22:53:00.000Z

Another list of things we don't have anymore. Alistair and I compiled this list on the way home tonight with my mum and dad.
1. Cars which back fire
2. Any type of computer floppy disk (5 1/4 or 3 1/2 inch or bigger)
3. Casual racism (from the under 50s)
4. Common sense, we now have health and safety rules.
5. Frost on the inside of bedroom windows when you get out of bed.
6. Big prams
7. Independent shops
8. Zebra crossings
9. Slide-rules
10. Logarithms
11. Corporal punishment in schools (at college we now concentrate on pschological abuse:))
12. ITV Childrens programmes

Matthew

2008-01-27T22:19:00.000Z

Matthew's views are influenced by telly and games:

He wants to work in a nuclear power plant, because he likes the food. He likes doughnuts just like Homer Simpson.

He said in the car today that if cats could talk they would all have Spanish accents. Just like Puss in Boots in Shrek.

So there it went ... Merry Christmas

2008-01-07T18:53:00.000Z

My Christmas highlights
1. Liverpool Nativity.
Loads of rehearsals for just a few seconds on telly. But, what I enjoyed was the experience of getting the show together. We spent a long time down at the new Liverpool Liner Terminal and got to know some of the production crew quite well. Doing "live" telly was exciting, especially just as the Ferry came into dock, some water washed over the landing stage and immediately froze (it was very cold, probably about -3). We did our live performance on a bid of an ice rink.

2. Carolling at the hall.
We did a lot of carolling mostly in Liverpool or in different supermarkets. But carolling round the hall to invite people for coffee and mince pies was good. And a load of people came back to the church.

3. Christmas night in with Will, Deb and Friends
Enough said.

4. Doctor Who on Christmas Day
Laughing at the Queen in her rollers.

5. New Years Eve Party
Loads of people at our house, including Howard, Helen and the girls. Peter and Howard got far to competitive at the quiz.

6. Neils enrolment as a adherent
Enough said

7. Playing on Murrays Wii with Heather and the boys.

Advent #16 - 21st December: Christmas party

2007-12-21T18:59:00.000Z

This is a made up story. Any similarity with persons living or dead is entirely co-incidental.

You can learn a lot about good management just by observing the people you work with . You can learn how to be a good manager and you can learn how not to be a good manager.

Today I observed our team leaders breaking the first rule of good management.

Last night was the team "Christmas do". I couldn't make it but by all accounts they "had a good time".

As today was our last day at work before Christmas and the college was closing at 13:00, we were looking forward to an easy day and an early finish. Just a departmental meeting at 11:00 to go to.

But at 9:45 I received a rather sheepish call from J who'd stayed over at S's house. They'd just woken up and realised they should be at work. Having only gone to bed at 5:30 they were both a bit worse for wear and certainly not up to driving.

Of course I went to pick them up.

Now they weren't just a bit tipsy - they were both still drunk and I had trouble keeping the pair of them in the car.

I did worry for their careers.

Back at work we thought the meeting would be a quick do, wishing us a happy Christmas and off we go. So we weren't expecting the guest speaker or the full-on PowerPoint presentation.

We knew we were in for a good time when she started by telling us she was going to talk about a subject that we didn't need to know about and possibly would never need to do anything about. Things really got going when she told us that she hadn't designed the PowerPoint presentation herself and and it was a bit dull - but she did promise to be as quick as possible.

As the meeting wore on I looked round at the people who didn't look too well after a long night, who were badly hung-over or still quite drunk, and wondered why we where there.

Thankfully after an hour they let us go. But not before at least two people had serious giggling fits and were asked if they needed to leave the room.

Inspired be the team meeting (or was it the team party) one of my colleagues decided the best way to impress a young lady he rather admired, was to lower Santa from our first floor window past her window on the floor below.

Sadly, in his excitement he made a serious error and lowered it instead past the window of the Health and Safety manager. She was not too chuffed.

If you look carefully you can see her arm as she opens the window to shout "take him away".

Meanwhile, back to the first rule of management.

Never plan a boring meeting the morning after a staff party.

New Job

2007-12-19T22:54:00.001Z

I have just seen a new job on telly that I didn't know existed. I have been watching Greatest Ever Disaster Movies on Channel 5. Lots of clips of disaster movies strung together with comment from actors and movie critics.

One persons caption indicates that he is a Disaster Movie Experts. How do you become one of those? Is there a qualification involved? How many are there? Are there many openings for Disaster Movie Experts?

Advent #15 - 19th December: Christmas food

2007-12-19T21:51:00.000Z

I've just watched Hester Blumenthal perfect Christmas Dinner. He went to such incredible lengths to make his meal. He used gold, frankincense and myrrh as ingredients in his first course. Well actually he couldn't use myrrh because it's so bitter so he used it as a spoon (if he was any sort of chef he would have made something out of it:)).

He made reindeer ice cream (he couldn't bring himself to serve Rudolf). He had a fragrance made specially which reminded him of his grandads living room?! He fed some "happy" geese some special food to make it taste just right.

The visitors to his meal, really appreciated his efforts they seemed really amazed at what he had done. Although it did seem a bit over the top. I mean how exciting can it be to eat Christmas decorations.

To celebrate a had a Fair Trade Chocolate Biscuit and coffee.

Advent #14 - 18th December: Christmas advice

2007-12-18T23:27:00.000Z

I took the day off work last Friday because Matthew wasn't feeling too good. So I was watching a bit of morning television when an item came on about men who don't know what to buy for their wives. At last I thought some help from daytime television.

But it appears that Selfridges are offering a service to blokes who are not sure what underwear to buy their wifes. They obviously help them choose tasteful stuff and the right size. One shop assistant was interviewed. Apparently, a gent came into the store and when he was asked about the possible size of his wife he was able to show the assistant a picture of his wife on the phone in the buff.

Today as my advent picture I have included......

A picture of a Nativity scene at my mum and dads house.

What??

Advent #13 - 17th December: Step Santa

2007-12-17T13:49:00.001Z

I have some catching up to do on the Christmas Advent because of a busy weekend. so, here is a picture of the stairs in our house with a Santa on each step.

The one near the top played an annoying tune everytime you stood on the step, so that got switched off.

Advent #12 - 17th December: Liverpool Nativity

2007-12-17T10:10:00.001Z

Well it's all over. Rehearsal ran straight from Carolling on Saturday afternoon through to 7:30 in the evening, then started again for us on Sunday afternoon immediately after the Sunday morning meeting (service). In fact as I arrived to the terminal on Sunday, the ferry with all the cast and crew had just arrived and we were greeted by a panicking floor manager. We all managed to get our kit together and do the rehearsal as soon as we all arrived.

The whole band got together for the last rehearsal on Sunday afternoon on the final run through which was meant to run in real time but didn't quite.

The logistics in running the production where immense, we saw a bit of what went on in the background.

There was a lot of waiting around for "our turn" and the evening turned very cold as darkness came (-3 when we got in Pete's car to go home). We struggled with tuning and we couldn't really hear what was going on with the recording.

At the last minute, just before the ferry came, there was a water leak from some equipment on the landing stage which immediately froze solid just where we where walking through the "thugs". I had thoughts of the band falling over on live telly, and having a bit of a Laurel and Hardy moment. But people where careful and it went OK in the end.

Pictures from Glyn (Thanks mate)

Mark and Geoff marching in to save Mary and Joseph.

Dave, Wally and Kev.

Steph Dave Kev and a bit of Glyn S.

Advent #11 - 13th December: Part of Christmas

2007-12-13T19:02:00.001Z

A day without Carolling or rehearsals, so my plan is to do some college work (as I need to hand in an essay next Tuesday) and I am away all weekend.

So I thought I would just write this before I start,

oh and I need to check on the Internet for a report on Everton's win against West Ham last night.

And Heather will be home soon so I need to make her some tea ....

I wonder whats on telly tonight?

The Christmas Radio Times (essential part of Christmas) - we only ever get the special two week edition.

Advent #10 - 12th December : Liverpool Liner Landing stage

2007-12-12T21:36:00.000Z

This is a post is catching up on the dates. Its a good picture taken with my phone from the new Liner landing stage at Liverpool.

Advent #9 - 12th December : Liverpool Nativity

2007-12-12T21:06:00.001Z

We had our first 'block through' our scene in the Liverpool Nativity this afternoon. Just five of us went as the rest of the band was at work. Our scene is down at the new Liner Terminal at the Pier Head. Most of the production team where there and so we commandeered them as temporary bandsmen so they could see how things looked.

It seems that we rescue Mary and Joseph from Liverpool Yobs when they get of the ferry.

Geoff Hughes had a go at my cornet, there was much laughing.

Advent #8 - 11th December : Carolling

2007-12-11T23:09:00.000Z

A night out caroling near our church

I got accused of forgetting Al's coat, so he had to wear his Pa's oversized coat.

Sarahs Birthday

2007-12-11T00:22:00.001Z

Its my nieces birthday tomorrow. She will be one. We had her birthday party tonight at Petes house. She was a star.

Advent #7 - 10th December: Decorations

2007-12-10T23:38:00.000Z

In response to Heather challenge to find "over the top" outside Christmas decorations, I was able to snap this picture on the way home today.

This one score highly in several ways. It has a sleigh and reindeers and a inflatable Father Christams (Can't tell what the small things are over the windows).

Advent #6 - 10th December: Carol Concert

2007-12-10T23:12:00.001Z

This is catch up from yesterday (too tired last night).

We had our two Carol Concerts yesterday. I suppose its technically the same one done twice. Really good crowd of people turned up for both. It finished with a play by the Sunday School (Kids Alive). Everyone really seemed to enjoy themselves.

I was sat behind the piano with Mary (my sister-in-law not the mother of Jesus) and had a poor view but I managed to get a shot of Mary and Joseph singing a duet. I had to look twice at the costume that Joseph was wearing, I am pretty sure that I wore that curtain when I was the second wiseman (But I had a crown with Fruit Gums as jewels).

Advent #5 - 8th December:

2007-12-08T22:12:00.000Z

It's approaching the time of year when I enter into "negotiation" with Heather about the Christmas decorations. I tend to have an aversion to filling the house with Christmas tat and Heather enjoys the process. Heather also wants to buy Christmas lights every year, but I don't see the problem of using the same ones as last year.

Anyway here is a picture of the latest Father Christmas for the Father Christmas shelf (please save me!)

Advent #4 - 7th December: Can he fix it?

2007-12-07T17:56:00.000Z

Bob the Builder, along with Roly his Steam Roller, turn up at Sainsburys to 'fix' an unwitting Liverpool Walton Band.

Advent #3 - 6th December: Christmas Dinner

2007-12-06T22:27:00.001Z

The canteen at work prepared Christmas dinner for us today. We where going to pay £6.50 for three course dinner, but they forgot to give us the parsnip soup. So we paid £5.00 for main course and pudding.

Actually, it was not too bad. I took a picture, it's my first Christmas lunch so it counts as a Advent entry number 3.

Oh No! Heroes has finished

2007-12-05T23:10:00.000Z

I've just watched the last episode of the first series of heroes.

Hiro is always talking about Star Trek, he's a big fan and can do the vulcan salute thing.

So I have just have one query:

How could hs he go through the whole first series without recognising that his dad is, in fact, Mr Sulu from the original Star Trek?

Advent #2 - 5th December: The corner of wrong

2007-12-05T23:01:00.000Z

At work they have been decorating the canteen with Christmas decorations. For some reason they have decorated the coffee machine with the following unusual "thing".

I'm not sure if it's scary yet, but I do have to look at it every time I get a coffee.

Advent #1 4th Dec: Santa and Scrooge

2007-12-04T18:57:00.000Z

Heather is trying to do a picture everyday up to Christmas, thought I would have a go. Here is number 1 (late starting).

At work, Barry, the outdoors man, has brought in a Father Christmas for use on the high ropes. All the students have to give him a hug or a kiss before he lets them down.

Barry must feel an affinity for Santa Claus, both having outdoor jobs and climbing etc. Unlike Jason (friend at work in picture) who is having a bit of a "Bah, Humbug" moment because Barry has hung Father Christmas in the staff room.

Calm Down! Calm Down!

2007-11-27T18:51:00.000Z

December is almost here and I am guessing that we (Liverpool Walton Sally Army Band) will play about 250 carols in the open air and one Beatles song (All You Need is Love).

But it's the Beatles song that we have spent longer rehearsing than any other carols. This is because the BBC have asked us to participate in the Liverpool Nativity which is to be broadcast live on BBC 3 on December the 16th.

I know that we will only be on screen for 10 to 30 seconds but I don't know how many people will see or hear us.

The paperwork involved in getting on telly is amazing. Everybody has to give their name address, date of birth and passport number, presumably so the BBC can come round to your house if you play a wrong note and make your life a misery.

If you get a chance tune in and cheer us on, we will appear at the new Liner Landing stage, presumably when Mary and Joseph gets off the Mersey Ferry. (That, not so well known part of the Christmas story) (presumably singing Ferry Across the Mersey).

Expect Liverpool cliches will abound, I am thinking of kitting the band out in fuzzy wigs and (yellow?,) red and blue track suits. (We could even stage a fight, "You playing my part! Calm Down! Calm Down! eh! eh! eh! eh!")

Sally speak

2007-11-23T14:21:00.000Z

I have been thinking about Heathers posts (and here) and about a recent visit to Transitional Church Weekend. It seems every church or corps claim to be welcoming, which makes perfect sense as nobody would claim to be unwelcoming. But are we really welcoming. I have been thinking about the "Sally Speak" we use.

You will often find the Officer saying "We will stand to sing the first song". But if someone actually did this they would be standing on their own for a considerable time before the rest of the congregation joined them. What actually happens is the Officer will say this and then go on to tell everybody about the song. Then everybody stands and sings. Don't believe me? Watch next Sunday morning.

The band and songster "message" is not in the form of a letter or even a note, but a carefully rehearsed piece of music.

The offering is a plate which you put money on. Which is immediately followed by somebody saying a prayer not down the microphone.

Even singing is something the man in the street may not have done. Young people don't sing in secondary school, unless they joined a specific choir. They listen to music all the time, through mp3 players but don't join in.

I look at some of the words we sing and I find them difficult to understand. I can't imagine what the man in the street thinks if he hears (nevermind understand) some of the stuff we sing. Perhaps we should use Song Books and use the overhead digital projector as a glossary to the words of some of the songs.

I will look for some more this Sunday.

Glossary
Meeting
When a group of people (usually wearing dark suits) come to meet in the hall for a couple of hours to sing songs and listen to the officer.

Officer
The guy in a dark suit who sometimes leads the meeting

Songsters
A group of people in dark suits who stand up and sing a song in the middle of a meeting

Band
A group of people in dark suits who sit and play brass instruments

The trouble with you lot is ....

2007-11-19T15:18:00.000Z

(Warning Sally Army post)

I have spent a very long weekend at Sunbury Court (near London), attending a Transitional Church weekend. I think we sat though easily 10 hours of lectures my head is spinning with too much information. I need time to think it all through, but there are some highlights that have stuck so far.

Alan Burns wants to interview some of the early Christian Mission people to see if they where cheesed off with the new fangled Salvation Army.
"The trouble with you lot is you're not traditional enough!"
Early Salvationists didn't wear uniform to meetings on a Sunday. They wore them to work in the morning.

It was good to make some new friends, (York people, Isle of Man people, Scottish people, (Although I must apologise to the Scottish Cadet who wore his Scotland shirt on Saturday night (Scotland lost 2.1 to Italy thus being knocked out of the European cup... again) worse still Isreal beat Russia thus keeping England in the competition, so again sorry (Will pass this on said Scottish cadet)))

It was good to see some good friends that I haven't seen for a couple of months/years join us on Sunday.

The sad thing is ..... they are all Divisional Commanders (a bit like bishops in Sally speak)!!!!

But never the less it was good to see you all. (As they are DC's they won't read blogs or even know what they are.)

Youth sub groups

2007-11-02T15:34:00.000Z

I have been looking into the groups young people put themselves into. I have a few categories below.

Emos
Emotionals. They like to be a bit sad. They are defined by their music and their clothes, I think. I know a Emo who has a really long fringe and likes to hide inside his black hoody top.

Goths
Like to wear a particular type of clothes and chains. Again defined by the music they listen to and the black clothes they wear. I think they may lobby their parents for body piercing.

Trendies or Scene People
Bright happy clothes usually expensive. Obviously mortal enemies of the Goths and Emos.

Scallys
All scallys refuse to belong to this group. Every knows who they are apart from the people who are scallys. They usually wear sports equipment, track suits etc.

I will add to the list as more occur.

A blog roll

2007-10-29T12:47:00.000Z

I have decided to start a blog roll, I like Johnny Lairds idea of asking people to be included. If you want to be included in my blog roll, drop me a comment and I will check you out.

Working out the meal costs

2007-10-22T19:39:00.001Z

We have just been out for a meal with the Cookies and Pearsons in London. There was thirteen of us, so working out the split of the costs was a major deal. Despite having an two accountants, a civil servant and a doctor. In the end the doctor worked it out.

I'm thinking that I could use this situation to help me persuade Heather buy a new Apple laptop. Seeing as Will now has one.

We are planning to go out tomorrow and visit all the monopoly sites??!! I will let you know how we get on.

Children

2007-10-19T12:14:00.000Z

Some very good friends of mine, recently had cause to look after their two young nephews for a couple of days. I think they found it a bit of a shock. Lynsey (for that is her name(no point in hiding now)) described her morning of trying to get kids out of bed into clothes, breakfast eaten and off to school, with a look of horror that I rarely see from her. Because Lynsey and Neil are precise and careful people. I can imagine Neil out with the hoover before a spot of dust manages to hit the floor of their lovely house (although he can't change the wheel of a car:)).

Neil was so traumatised by the experience he went to work (as a solicitor) with odd shoes on.

iTrip

2007-10-11T10:56:00.000Z

We have bought a iTrip for our iPods. It turns your iPod into a small radio station so you can use a radio as speakers. I was coming home last night from a stressful day at work unwinding listening to the Best of the Monkees. I got stuck in the Mersey tunnel for half an hour, but my radio kept on getting interference from another nearby iTrip. So I decided to listen to theirs instead. For the rest of the journey home I was able to listen numerous other iPods. I invented a new game "place the tune to the other people in their cars".

Great Sport.

Grandma

2007-10-04T15:51:00.000Z

I was thinking the other day on the way to work about Grandma. She is 101 years old now, she has given up jogging and the local rugby club has stopped asking her if she can turn out for the second team, but she still managers to get to most of the meetings at the corps.

She is starting to get more and more confused. It was her birthday the other day and it was great to see her surprise everytime she noticed the same box of Uncle Joes Mint Balls we had bought her. She kept on forgetting that we had bought it for her and she would put it back in the same place and then pick it up several minutes later "Ooh are these mine", "Yes Grandma they are for your birthday. You are 101 today". "No, I'm not that old". Mum caught her later on doing the sum on the back of a piece of paper "1906 - 2007".

Grandma was in her 40s when Hilary and Tensing climbed Everest. Television wasn't available until she was in her 20s. She was in her 50s when the first motorway was built. She has lived through 2 World Wars. She left school when she was young to work in the local mill and she entered the Salvation Army Training College, I the first or second session at Denmark Hill.

She is pictured here with her latest great grand child who was born 100 years after she was.

Quizzes

2007-09-27T15:27:00.000Z

We do a few quizzes at work. It helps with team building and we have a laugh.

Question: What is carried by a Aquaduct

Long silence

Prompt: The clue is in the word AQUAduct

Long silence

Answer: Ducks?

Future for Socks

2007-09-20T17:20:00.001Z

The future is a bit bleak for Socks the Blue Peter cat.

It's that time of year again #1

2007-09-20T11:30:00.001Z

.. when Salvationist start their annual keep fit campaign around their local houses for Annual Appeal. I did write some hints last year and so I am going to apologise if any of this is repeated, but it is what I was thinking last night as I ploughed down "Long Lane" (as the name implies it is very long).

1. Play "guess the age of the occupant" as you walk up the drive. Young married, retired, married with kids. Based on type of car, size of house, type of furniture, type of door etc.

2. Notice again that Vauxhall can't make red cars.

3. Good signs on approaching the house, Car with fish sign in back window, religous icons in the porch.

4. Not good signs, no car at all at the house, no lights on in the house, boarded up windows, workmen outside the house.

5. Knock on door, youngster answers "Its the Salvation Army ....", "'I'll get my mum" they reply and go upstairs "Noooooo!!". Three minutes later a harried parent appears with in a towel or dressing gown. "Can you help the Salvation Army in their Annual Appeal?" you ask sheepishly.

6. Go to a door, all is black, you knock on the door and ring the bell. Wait. As you are just about to leave, a light goes on inside. You wait. The light goes off. You wait. Then you leave.

7. Walking down the garden you see the family watching Coronation Street inside. Ring the bell and knock on the door. No one answers. They watch you walk away from the house. Resist the temptation to wave.

8. Knock on the door. Usually a bloke answers, "Would you like to help ...." etc. "There's nobody in" is the reply. Smile to "nobody", thank them and leave.

9. You always think of the funny answers when you are walking back down the drive. Knock on door, "Would you like to help the Salvation ...." etc. "How?" is the honest reply. "Put some money in the tin?". "Oh right fine". What I should have said is "or can you play a Trombone".

Happy Birthday Grandma

2007-09-19T12:27:00.000Z

We went to Grandmas 101st birthday party on Monday. Heather and I had considered what to buy for her but struggled. What do you buy somebody who has everything they need in their flat and perhaps wouldn't remember what it was anyway.

Its only recently Grandma has started to forget things, but she seemed to have such good time on her birthday. All her daughters and son's in law where there, Mary (my mum), Ruth and Alice. She loves sweets and cakes and she had a lot.

We decided to buy her some Lancashire stuff (because she was born in Burnley). We got her Lancashire Tea (like Yorkshire Tea but not as famous), Eccles cakes and Uncle Joes Mint Balls.

I am getting old ... or perhaps?!!

2007-09-13T15:36:00.000Z

I spent Tuesday helping Will, Debbie and Katie move to Denmark Hill. I went with Will in the big 7.5 Tonne van (surely it's illegal to drive one of those without a proper license, but Will did a good job (will need to apologise to a bus driver in Liverpool about his mirror, but Will was just getting used to the size of the thing then). Debbie followed in her car with Katie.

During the drive we decided that there is one phrase I cannot use, that is "I remember going wrong at this junction.....". I used this twice during the trip and Will did precisely the same thing. The first time was at Oxford services "I remember going the wrong way of this junction and having to go all the way to Bicester to turn around". That cost us 20miles. The other one was "Be careful going over the Vauxhall Bridge, I always get the wrong exit towards the Oval there" That one only cost us a few minutes but just as annoying in a large van.

We spent the evening carrying Wills belongings up to the 2nd floor flat. 5 flights of stairs and 40 stairs. It wasn't long before I was out of breath and I didn't believe how tired I felt. I must be getting old.

The answer was next morning I came down with a heavy cold. This must have accounted for my tiredness whilst carrying Will and Debbies stuff.

Thats possibly, isn't it Doctor Will??????!!!!!!!!

Heroes

2007-09-13T12:42:00.000Z

I have added Heroes as one of my favourite TV shows. I must admit that I have not really got into some of the recent American imports (24, Lost etc) so this is a first for me. My brother Peter says they are all the same and they will string you along with unresolved plot lines between series and never really deliver.

So, we'll see........

Differences between France and UK

2007-09-10T15:42:00.000Z

We got back from France last week and I have been considering the differences between the two countries.

1. France has longer and straighter roads. Because France is bigger and so therefore the roads need to be longer reach all the towns. They are straighter because France is bigger and so everything is more spread out, so you don't need to drive around things (for instance London and the M25).
2. French motorways only have two lanes generally. This means that French drivers generally will drive two inches from your rear bumber at 80mph and flash their lights if they want to get past.
3. All French people wear really nice clothes, but I couldn't find where they bought them. All shops in French towns sell tat, bread or chocolates. The conclusion is that French people buy all their clothes from secret shops, so foreigners can't buy them.
4. French yobos clear up after themselves.

I will post some more when I remember them.

Why I dislike IKEA

2007-09-03T21:52:00.000Z

Before I post about my holiday in France I feel I need to post about my mild dislike of IKEA. Whilst I recognise the effect that IKEA has had on the chintz in peoples homes in this country it is possible to idly dislike the store for the following reasons.

1. Inside the store is too hot

2. There are two types of trolleys. One type has a bar across the front which you push and it can go in any direction but sometimes bangs your feet. The other type has handles either side, can go in any direction, can badly damage ankles and can go in any direction.

3. You are expected to express an opinion on something that you have no knowledge of at all. I was asked to pick out some curtain poles. But they all seemed to be able to do the job quite adequately. (I can't comment on them aesthetically, I suppose one or two would not have been out of place in Frankensteins castle and I recognised another couple from the original series of Star Trek)

4. I don't like the fact that when you leave the store (with three trolleys full of stuff which you cannot do without, even though you only went in to buy light bulbs (that you can't by anywhere else)), you feel the need to buy a piece of plastic called "BOVT" which cost 49p, specially designed to catch candle wax from getting onto your dining room table or for storing aforementioned light bulbs.

5. I noticed that they had a chair on test which they had a mechanical bum sitting on it for up to now 150,000 times. It doesn't seem to be the original chair that was installed when the store was built. What happened to it? Did it break? I wanted to see that happen.

6. We spent some considerable time looking for hooks for kitchen towels, we found some hooks for bathroom towels and other kitchen equipment but not for kitchen towels.

7. A good thing now is you can take your purchased goods over the car park to the car without having to jockey for position near the entrance. The cement bollards would not allow you to take the trolleys away from the store. It must have taken IKEA ages to work out that trolley thieves (and there must be many) will not steal trolleys which are designed to maim (see point 2)

Happy Birthday

2007-08-11T19:43:00.000Z

Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday (rit) dear blog (pause)
(a tempo) Happy Birthday to you

Come on you blues

2007-08-10T13:19:00.000Z

The football season starts tomorrow, and European action for Everton.

I have started a fantasy football league, if anybody wants to join, drop me an email or give me a ring and I shall give you the web site details. The more the merrier.

Come on you blues!!